Tunes

Your ignorance is almost more than I can take.
You don't even give me the time of the day
What more can I do to make you want to stay
Seems like the more I do, just pushes you away
Please give me, something from your heart
Please give me something to believe in when you travel far in your mind.

Thank You

Thank You for always ignoring me.
Thank You for never telling me the truth about who you are.
Thank You for giving me less respect than an acquaintance.
Thank You for making this all easier to walk away from.
I may not be the girl you wanted, but I'm the girl you got.
Thank You for making me doubt the person I am.
"Bitch cut me deep"
Those were your words, NOT mine.
You never really DID anything to me.
But you never DID anything with me.

It weighs heavy on my mind... (work in progress)

I was sitting in my car for a while. I hadn't really noticed how much time passed until I looked at my phone. I had been sitting there with my eyes closed and my seat reclined for a good ten minutes. The buckle of my seat belt had been laying on my hand since I unclasped it. The hot metal left my skin red, yet I didn't feel the transfer of heat. The air in the car had become thick and sweaty since I left all the windows up. Even being shaded by the apartment awning was no protection from the heat of an Arizona summer.

I stared right passed the heavily smudged sliding glass door of our weird apartment neighbor into his living room. He was sitting on his couch staring up at a tiny television that was stacked up high on a bookshelf and eating a bowl of cereal. I caught his eye and he gave me a wave. Not realizing what was going on I continued to stare. I was lost in thought. I was wondering if he was ever in love. If so, with who? What kind of woman would fall for this weird guy. He was rail thin, balding, and all of his teeth were gray. He was full of good intentions though. He came by my apartment one time looking for my roommate. He heard from the neighbors that she cut hair and was looking for an exchange. He sat in our living room and talked about his recent doctor visit. He told us about a new diet the doctor put him on. And he insisted that he bring us all his canned goods because he no longer could consume sodium. We politely declined, but 10 minutes after his haircut he was knocking on our door. He also included a copy of his diet. I guess he was politely trying to suggest it to us.

In the middle of reliving that moment my eyes came back to focus and saw that he wasn't waving anymore. He had gotten up to open the sliding door. I knew I would be stuck in conversation for a good ten minutes if I didn't hurry. It's not that I don't like him. I just don't care. I just finished a four hour shift of "Hi, how ya doing?", "Do you by chance qualify?", "Can I do anything else for you?". My give a damn was busted.

I clamored together the best I could and with a quick wave and a smile I successfully dodged the old lonely man who could ACTUALLY use someone to talk to.

As I closed my front door the guilt settled right on in. I threw my keys on the kitchen counter and opened the refridgerator door. I wasn't hungry, but my mind was. I busted out some pb & j's and plopped on my bed. I ate, facebook'd, and youtube'd for a bit. My eyelids were getting heavier and I could feel the nerves in my feet pulsate every few minutes.

I laid back down and stared at the ceiling. This was a long day. After awhile I just started crying. I messed up. It's all I can think about anymore. On this particular day it was my gateway memory. It started the recession of memories of other failed attempts of human connections.

Week %: Up

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


I don't know what to tell all six of you who follow and may or may not read this. It's been one hell of a week. Fuck schedules. I obviously can't follow one. So is whenever I feel like it work out for yous guys? Majority party (me) votes... YES.

*settled*

I'm scared. If I was going to be really honest here, which is what I promised myself, I am completely scared. I don't know how to avoid it. So many things are just up in the air. I am patiently waiting to see where things may land.

I am very much a "Well whatever works for you, works for me" kinda girl. I don't mind adjusting for the things I want. I am flexible. But that means I get to live in a state of fear. I have no control. I've given that up.

I just know that I have worked awesomely hard for the things I want. And for so many things to be up in the air has CATASTROPHE written all over it.

Scenario A: Things land EXACTLY where I want them. Awesome sauce. I can deal with that. No sweat off my back. BUT I would like to state, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Well, not for me at least. These scenarios usually only exist for the last 30 minutes of cheesy romantic comedies.

Scenario B: I get one thing but not the other. Even though I am being vague about these "things" I will tell you I have about five things up in the air right now. TALK ABOUT HAVING TO BE PATIENT. ((ugh)) So, what if I only end up with one thing that I wanted? I am so afraid of latching on to that one thing that I will kill it myself. I've done that before. It was quite the heartbreak.

Scenario C: NOTHING WORKS OUT. I get nothing. THIS is a situation I've dealt with MANY times before. In fact, I am better equipped to deal with this then either of the other scenarios.

If Scenario C does in fact happen, I turn to my mother.

"Don't cry over spilled milk"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"

I have been able to get through life by the grace of her words. She is my home base. I am safe.

But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.

In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.

I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.

I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))

peace & blessings
XD

Our own pretty ways...

Well readers(mom), this is a sad day for your blogging host. A very sad one.

I was hanging with my friends Ra and Shall today. Ra had made these INCREDIBLE pork ribs. I mean *epic*. I scarfed down my portion PLUS half of another one. I couldn't hide my gluttonous tendencies.

In the mean time I was having totally casual back and forths with *him*. I was just so excited to hear from him. I know it doesn't change anything. We still aren't together. I am just holding on to something (or someone) that is so beautiful to me.

I colored Shall's hair. She has massive amounts of hair, so I was SO relieved when I saw that the finish product was pretty damn good. No patches of uncolored hair. Root to end was a beautiful deep brown color. We gabbed. Ra played Barely political videos. We discussed Las Vegas attractions we will be seeing over the summer.

Ra and Shall always have a way of making me feel....awesome. They support me 100%. BUT they also tell me when I am being a 'girl' about something. They keep my level headed.

In between videos I would frantically check my facebook (hoping & wishing) to see if he might have emailed me back. Bad form on my part, but I couldn't help myself.

He has this hold over me. It's been 34 days since we went our separate ways. I should be over it. I should lay this issue to rest. But he was my first boyfriend. Not saying that this is the reason why I am holding on. I just haven't had much practice in letting go just yet.

Maybe it's because I chose not to hate him. I notice a lot of people will get on or let go through hate. I am not judging or attacking anyone's tactics. Whatever gets you through. But how could I hate someone who inspires me? How could I hate someone who made me feel so at ease about myself? He encouraged me. He told me I was beautiful all the time. The biggest compliments he gave me was when we shared our drawings with each other. He said I had talent. And not in that "Oh wow, you have talent" way. He said it with conviction. He said it as passionately as if he was talking about his favorite actor (Bill Paxton) or favorite movie (Aliens).

These are memories that constantly replay in my head. Tiny moments in time that are probably going to outlast my sanity.

Well without getting into specifics, things did not end on a good note. Details just aren't important. Or at least they aren't the focus of my blog.

I want to crumble. I want to submit. I want to fold in. I want to do anything he wants me to do. At this point that might be to fuck off.

I don't know where this weakness is coming from. I don't know how to rebuild after this. My foundation is still in tact, thank God.

I am not a shell of a person. Like I said in my Week ! blog, I got bills, priorities, and goals. I have to keep on truckin because I'm not dead yet. I have a lot of life to live. I refuse to let this rejection stain the fabric of my life.

It just hurts so damn much. And tonight it brought me to tears. Major, unexplainable, uninhibited, child like tears.

It's not fair to me. It's not fair to him. He didn't ask for this attachment.

If he does read this, by some chance, I want him to know that I will get over it. I will persevere. I will rebuild what I've lost.

Week $: Let Go

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


I shamefully neglected my blog this past week. I guess I didn't learn anything XD

Not true. I think last week's lesson was on giving up. I'm going to give up on making everyone else feel comfortable at my own expense. That being said. I have to retract something I said.

I so delicately stated: You are gay. I wish you would just come out to everyone already.

I was putting myself in this person's shoes. I realized that it is very crude to request someone to "come out". What business is it of mine? NONE. I felt foolish after posting it. That was the ONLY thing I regret posting. I don't want to edit the blog. That's not fair. I want this blog to accurately depict the writer. Those were my feelings. They were wrong. We all make mistakes. MOVING ON.

This week's lesson was AMAZING. I grew in LEAPS and BOUNDS. I learned to LET GO. Well, I did for one night. I stopped worrying about what everyone else was thinking. I decided I wasn't going to apologize for anything I didn't personally do myself. Most importantly, I learned for that one night to feel pretty fucking awesome about myself. Yeah, I don't think i looked my best. Yeah, I was aware that I was in a bar with girls 1/3 my size. Yeah, I was SOBER and having fun. Okay, that last one makes me sound like a lush.

I sometimes drink to give my mind a break. I will be present with my friends one minute. As soon as someone looks at me wierd I release the hounds. Yes, blood hounds live in my mind. They surface any negative thoughts I may have buried. They are good at their job. I am no longer present. I am in a much darker place. Alcohol allows sleeping dogs to lie.

This night I chucked that theory out the window. I had a good time because I decided to have a good time.

I met another fattie. She was beautiful. Confident. She didn't give a f*** what others thought of her. The shocker of it all was, she was 40!! Seriously, she looked 27-28 years old. SO FREAKING YOUNG.

I have a deep love for fat girls. We 'get' each other. It's awesome to meet someone else who is fat and doesn't let ish get to them. Fat girls who don't let their fatness hold them back, YOU are my HERO! I know my anti-fat friends are going to disagree with my views. It's okay. Not every single one of my friends have to agree with me. As long as we can agree to disagree : )

Well, that night was fun. I sang my heart out. I laughed HARD. I gained a bit of confidence back that I once had lost.

Go me.

peace & blessings
XD

Week @: Cajones

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


Wow, what a fail. I did not blog Friday like I wanted. BUT I was having a writer's block like no other. I tried writing in my journal. I tried playing different songs to draw some inspiration from. Nothing was achieved by either of these tactics. Forging ahead is my only option. Better late than never, some may say. (In my case the latter might be preffered)

Right now "Rolling in the Deep" is on repeat. My foot taps against the desk in rhythm. It's hard for me to NOT escape through the repetitions of the pounding drums. She sings of being scorned. I am clearly not a scorned woman. But I do envy the conviction of one. I lack the courage to say things that are really on my mind. Giving a voice to my thoughts and ideas some how devalues their meanings. They were way cooler when they were lingering in the back of my mind. SO I must make a choice. Either stand up for my own feelings, or play it safe and just get in mental arguments with those who piss me off. I can argue with the best of them, in my mind.

What can I learn from this? Well I don't know really. I don't think this is a lesson I am willing to learn yet. I need to grow a pair of cajones, I suppose. I am not deficient in opinions. I am not ignorant to the motives of those who think one flew over my cuckoo's nest. Believe me, we have argued for hours. It kinda feels like screaming in a pillow. No one can hear it, but you still get to release anger through vocal manifestation.

I know you ignore me until you decide you are bored.

Sometimes your negativity is just insurmountable, and I feel like telling you to get a grip.

You like to control EVERYTHING, including me. Those days are LONG gone.

You like to hop on bandwagons. When I seem to be the bell of the ball, here you come a-hoppin.

You talked so much crap about me, about my weight, and you want to try and be friends? Really, the only thing I have to say to you is Have a nice life : )

DON'T touch me!

You are self-centered (okay, this I tell you all the time. but you need to hear it over and over again.)

You are gay. I wish you would just come out to everyone already.

These are just some of the things I wish to say. But there is no use. In fact I feel like deleting everything I just wrote. But I won't. Kinda gives me some satisfaction. If any who are reading this thinks I am talking about them, I am probably not. These people I speak of don't really care as to what I have to say so it is doubtful they are reading this in the first place.

Lesson learned? Keep it positive. I am going to wake up tomorrow no matter what. ((Well that is only if it is not my time to perish)) So why sully my day away with negativity. I'm gonna take a crack at being productive.

peace & blessings
XD

Week !

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )

I chose to ring in my New Years with just a few close friends and a couple games of Wii. Despite the fact that a 3 and 9 year old have better skills than I, I had a lot of fun. I didn't have to talk about my break up. I didn't have to dish out a bunch of empty promises at midnight. I just relaxed at my friend Ra's with a few vodka and cranberry drinks and some smack talk.
A week before I had imagined I would be in some crowded place, knowing few, drinking more than I should, and kissing my ginger at midnight. It would be a "mental picture"(The Office reference :) ) I could savor through out the rest of the year. But I've learned that things don't always happen the way you imagine.
Thus my new blogging journey begins. I have decided that for 2011 I want to write a weekly blog about what I learn. Little life lessons that some how seem to pop up over and over again. A reminder, if you will, that we shouldn't need to be hit in the head with a shit stick over and over again to realize that what we are doing is NOT working.
I don't plan on addressing details of our break up. I don't plan on playing the pity card either. What happened between us was private. And I want to respect that. What I will say about it is that I still love him and respect his wishes. He was not a bad person, an evil doer, he didn't disrespect me, and he wasn't a sleeze ball.
Instead of sulking and reverting to my hermit ways, bills required me to work. I woke up slightly hung over, slightly cranky, and very much tired last Sunday morning on my parent's couch. Loretta Lynn was blaring on the television. My dad's doing no doubt. I looked at my cell phone and tried to wish back the hands of time. But time nor coffee was on my side.
I trudged into the bathroom and tried to make sense of whatever was going on with my face and hair. I swear I aged 10 years over night. While washing my face I cried a bit into my palms. Something I had been doing the past 2 days. Little bursts of tears would come rushing. As quickly as the need to cry came on, it went away. Crying wasn't going to get me to work. So I compromised and cried on my way to work instead.
As soon as I pulled up to the house, my clients were up and happy to see me. I am greeted by hugs and praises of "Happy New Years" before I am able to get inside. I decide I had to put up a front of peace and just go with the flow of the day. I can't let down my clients. My personal affairs shouldn't affect work. Something my momma always taught me; she is a master of this. So I follow my routine. Pancakes, church, lunch, movies, dinner, cleaning.... home.
While driving home I allow myself to feel. My blanket of numb dissipates the further away from work I get. I listen to Loveline and I relate to all the other pathetic girls who call in. I don't want to be like them. I don't want anyone to be able to categorize me. But like a puzzle piece, I fit. My curves and edges hug my adjacent neighbors with precision.
The next few days I became engulfed by errands. I kept myself busy. Probably the biggest slap in the face is the fact that no one but myself was holding me back. This week was proof of that. And in here lies the lesson. I can only control my actions. I can't will, or want, or give someone into submission. My own hearts desires aren't a currency of free fancy. Just because I have something to give, doesn't mean that the receiver wants it. And I have to move on from that. I can't dwell on the actions of others. I've spent many years dwelling. It's not healthy. Dwelling causes one to become self-centered. I have been so self-centered lately. I feel like no one can relate to me. I want to climb inside a hole and punch the walls in. But LIFE is going on. If I like to participate I need to refrain from jumping in holes. AND I need to stop with this mind warfare. I am constantly putting down myself. If I don't believe in myself, why should anyone else?

peace & blessings
XD