It weighs heavy on my mind... (work in progress)

I was sitting in my car for a while. I hadn't really noticed how much time passed until I looked at my phone. I had been sitting there with my eyes closed and my seat reclined for a good ten minutes. The buckle of my seat belt had been laying on my hand since I unclasped it. The hot metal left my skin red, yet I didn't feel the transfer of heat. The air in the car had become thick and sweaty since I left all the windows up. Even being shaded by the apartment awning was no protection from the heat of an Arizona summer.

I stared right passed the heavily smudged sliding glass door of our weird apartment neighbor into his living room. He was sitting on his couch staring up at a tiny television that was stacked up high on a bookshelf and eating a bowl of cereal. I caught his eye and he gave me a wave. Not realizing what was going on I continued to stare. I was lost in thought. I was wondering if he was ever in love. If so, with who? What kind of woman would fall for this weird guy. He was rail thin, balding, and all of his teeth were gray. He was full of good intentions though. He came by my apartment one time looking for my roommate. He heard from the neighbors that she cut hair and was looking for an exchange. He sat in our living room and talked about his recent doctor visit. He told us about a new diet the doctor put him on. And he insisted that he bring us all his canned goods because he no longer could consume sodium. We politely declined, but 10 minutes after his haircut he was knocking on our door. He also included a copy of his diet. I guess he was politely trying to suggest it to us.

In the middle of reliving that moment my eyes came back to focus and saw that he wasn't waving anymore. He had gotten up to open the sliding door. I knew I would be stuck in conversation for a good ten minutes if I didn't hurry. It's not that I don't like him. I just don't care. I just finished a four hour shift of "Hi, how ya doing?", "Do you by chance qualify?", "Can I do anything else for you?". My give a damn was busted.

I clamored together the best I could and with a quick wave and a smile I successfully dodged the old lonely man who could ACTUALLY use someone to talk to.

As I closed my front door the guilt settled right on in. I threw my keys on the kitchen counter and opened the refridgerator door. I wasn't hungry, but my mind was. I busted out some pb & j's and plopped on my bed. I ate, facebook'd, and youtube'd for a bit. My eyelids were getting heavier and I could feel the nerves in my feet pulsate every few minutes.

I laid back down and stared at the ceiling. This was a long day. After awhile I just started crying. I messed up. It's all I can think about anymore. On this particular day it was my gateway memory. It started the recession of memories of other failed attempts of human connections.