Our own pretty ways...

Well readers(mom), this is a sad day for your blogging host. A very sad one.

I was hanging with my friends Ra and Shall today. Ra had made these INCREDIBLE pork ribs. I mean *epic*. I scarfed down my portion PLUS half of another one. I couldn't hide my gluttonous tendencies.

In the mean time I was having totally casual back and forths with *him*. I was just so excited to hear from him. I know it doesn't change anything. We still aren't together. I am just holding on to something (or someone) that is so beautiful to me.

I colored Shall's hair. She has massive amounts of hair, so I was SO relieved when I saw that the finish product was pretty damn good. No patches of uncolored hair. Root to end was a beautiful deep brown color. We gabbed. Ra played Barely political videos. We discussed Las Vegas attractions we will be seeing over the summer.

Ra and Shall always have a way of making me feel....awesome. They support me 100%. BUT they also tell me when I am being a 'girl' about something. They keep my level headed.

In between videos I would frantically check my facebook (hoping & wishing) to see if he might have emailed me back. Bad form on my part, but I couldn't help myself.

He has this hold over me. It's been 34 days since we went our separate ways. I should be over it. I should lay this issue to rest. But he was my first boyfriend. Not saying that this is the reason why I am holding on. I just haven't had much practice in letting go just yet.

Maybe it's because I chose not to hate him. I notice a lot of people will get on or let go through hate. I am not judging or attacking anyone's tactics. Whatever gets you through. But how could I hate someone who inspires me? How could I hate someone who made me feel so at ease about myself? He encouraged me. He told me I was beautiful all the time. The biggest compliments he gave me was when we shared our drawings with each other. He said I had talent. And not in that "Oh wow, you have talent" way. He said it with conviction. He said it as passionately as if he was talking about his favorite actor (Bill Paxton) or favorite movie (Aliens).

These are memories that constantly replay in my head. Tiny moments in time that are probably going to outlast my sanity.

Well without getting into specifics, things did not end on a good note. Details just aren't important. Or at least they aren't the focus of my blog.

I want to crumble. I want to submit. I want to fold in. I want to do anything he wants me to do. At this point that might be to fuck off.

I don't know where this weakness is coming from. I don't know how to rebuild after this. My foundation is still in tact, thank God.

I am not a shell of a person. Like I said in my Week ! blog, I got bills, priorities, and goals. I have to keep on truckin because I'm not dead yet. I have a lot of life to live. I refuse to let this rejection stain the fabric of my life.

It just hurts so damn much. And tonight it brought me to tears. Major, unexplainable, uninhibited, child like tears.

It's not fair to me. It's not fair to him. He didn't ask for this attachment.

If he does read this, by some chance, I want him to know that I will get over it. I will persevere. I will rebuild what I've lost.