Week @: Cajones

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


Wow, what a fail. I did not blog Friday like I wanted. BUT I was having a writer's block like no other. I tried writing in my journal. I tried playing different songs to draw some inspiration from. Nothing was achieved by either of these tactics. Forging ahead is my only option. Better late than never, some may say. (In my case the latter might be preffered)

Right now "Rolling in the Deep" is on repeat. My foot taps against the desk in rhythm. It's hard for me to NOT escape through the repetitions of the pounding drums. She sings of being scorned. I am clearly not a scorned woman. But I do envy the conviction of one. I lack the courage to say things that are really on my mind. Giving a voice to my thoughts and ideas some how devalues their meanings. They were way cooler when they were lingering in the back of my mind. SO I must make a choice. Either stand up for my own feelings, or play it safe and just get in mental arguments with those who piss me off. I can argue with the best of them, in my mind.

What can I learn from this? Well I don't know really. I don't think this is a lesson I am willing to learn yet. I need to grow a pair of cajones, I suppose. I am not deficient in opinions. I am not ignorant to the motives of those who think one flew over my cuckoo's nest. Believe me, we have argued for hours. It kinda feels like screaming in a pillow. No one can hear it, but you still get to release anger through vocal manifestation.

I know you ignore me until you decide you are bored.

Sometimes your negativity is just insurmountable, and I feel like telling you to get a grip.

You like to control EVERYTHING, including me. Those days are LONG gone.

You like to hop on bandwagons. When I seem to be the bell of the ball, here you come a-hoppin.

You talked so much crap about me, about my weight, and you want to try and be friends? Really, the only thing I have to say to you is Have a nice life : )

DON'T touch me!

You are self-centered (okay, this I tell you all the time. but you need to hear it over and over again.)

You are gay. I wish you would just come out to everyone already.

These are just some of the things I wish to say. But there is no use. In fact I feel like deleting everything I just wrote. But I won't. Kinda gives me some satisfaction. If any who are reading this thinks I am talking about them, I am probably not. These people I speak of don't really care as to what I have to say so it is doubtful they are reading this in the first place.

Lesson learned? Keep it positive. I am going to wake up tomorrow no matter what. ((Well that is only if it is not my time to perish)) So why sully my day away with negativity. I'm gonna take a crack at being productive.

peace & blessings
XD