I don't know what to tell all six of you who follow and may or may not read this. It's been one hell of a week. Fuck schedules. I obviously can't follow one. So is whenever I feel like it work out for yous guys? Majority party (me) votes... YES.
*settled*
I'm scared. If I was going to be really honest here, which is what I promised myself, I am completely scared. I don't know how to avoid it. So many things are just up in the air. I am patiently waiting to see where things may land.
I am very much a "Well whatever works for you, works for me" kinda girl. I don't mind adjusting for the things I want. I am flexible. But that means I get to live in a state of fear. I have no control. I've given that up.
I just know that I have worked awesomely hard for the things I want. And for so many things to be up in the air has CATASTROPHE written all over it.
Scenario A: Things land EXACTLY where I want them. Awesome sauce. I can deal with that. No sweat off my back. BUT I would like to state, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Well, not for me at least. These scenarios usually only exist for the last 30 minutes of cheesy romantic comedies.
Scenario B: I get one thing but not the other. Even though I am being vague about these "things" I will tell you I have about five things up in the air right now. TALK ABOUT HAVING TO BE PATIENT. ((ugh)) So, what if I only end up with one thing that I wanted? I am so afraid of latching on to that one thing that I will kill it myself. I've done that before. It was quite the heartbreak.
Scenario C: NOTHING WORKS OUT. I get nothing. THIS is a situation I've dealt with MANY times before. In fact, I am better equipped to deal with this then either of the other scenarios.
If Scenario C does in fact happen, I turn to my mother.
"Don't cry over spilled milk"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"
I have been able to get through life by the grace of her words. She is my home base. I am safe.
But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.
In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.
I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.
I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))
But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.
In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.
I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.
I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))
peace & blessings
XD
XD
Hi lady, here's my input on your very vague but obviously troubling situation.
ReplyDeletePut forth as much effort as you can to make things go right. Then, as your mom says, let it go. You've done what you can. Don't fret. Don't cry. Just let it go. If it happens, ok! If not, try something else!
I'm here for you if you ever need me! But I know you have a huge circle of great friends to turn to already. :)
I appreciate that Sarah! You are right. I am trying to keep it together. And I know that at some point I got to let things go. I definitely appreciate the support!!
ReplyDeleteWell Jessica, I know what you are going through in your mind right now. I know what "things" you are talking about. and here is what I have to say. first thing: let it happen. You always tell me that. I'm never patient, and I end up losing things quickly. If "this" is suppose to be in your life then by george it will be. You went into this with very clear expectations from yourself and others, you did the right thing. The others involve will have to do their part, and that you can't control.
ReplyDelete#2 Relax. Have fun. Do exactly what you did Tuesday. You got this. Even if you don't "got" this , you tried something YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD. You took a STEP! You jumped off the ledge to put your best foot foward. You are NO LONGER STANDING STILL. You are moving. Remember that. YOU ARE MOVING. and #3 I love you and your mom is right. You have gotten through life so far...you will continue to get through. Our problems are no more meaningful than the stranger next to us. This is key for us both to remember.