I don't know what to tell all six of you who follow and may or may not read this. It's been one hell of a week. Fuck schedules. I obviously can't follow one. So is whenever I feel like it work out for yous guys? Majority party (me) votes... YES.
*settled*
I'm scared. If I was going to be really honest here, which is what I promised myself, I am completely scared. I don't know how to avoid it. So many things are just up in the air. I am patiently waiting to see where things may land.
I am very much a "Well whatever works for you, works for me" kinda girl. I don't mind adjusting for the things I want. I am flexible. But that means I get to live in a state of fear. I have no control. I've given that up.
I just know that I have worked awesomely hard for the things I want. And for so many things to be up in the air has CATASTROPHE written all over it.
Scenario A: Things land EXACTLY where I want them. Awesome sauce. I can deal with that. No sweat off my back. BUT I would like to state, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Well, not for me at least. These scenarios usually only exist for the last 30 minutes of cheesy romantic comedies.
Scenario B: I get one thing but not the other. Even though I am being vague about these "things" I will tell you I have about five things up in the air right now. TALK ABOUT HAVING TO BE PATIENT. ((ugh)) So, what if I only end up with one thing that I wanted? I am so afraid of latching on to that one thing that I will kill it myself. I've done that before. It was quite the heartbreak.
Scenario C: NOTHING WORKS OUT. I get nothing. THIS is a situation I've dealt with MANY times before. In fact, I am better equipped to deal with this then either of the other scenarios.
If Scenario C does in fact happen, I turn to my mother.
"Don't cry over spilled milk"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"
I have been able to get through life by the grace of her words. She is my home base. I am safe.
But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.
In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.
I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.
I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))
But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.
In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.
I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.
I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))
peace & blessings
XD
XD
