I feel your energy,
I know your thoughts.
You're as transparent as parchment.
You are waiting for the break.
The crack.
The stumble.

weak

I feel blindfolded, hopeful, and dumb.
I feel unsure, indecisive, and weak.
Blaming others would be stupid.
No one but myself is responsible for my feelings.
I can no longer sit and wait.
I have a life to live and I have goals to fulfill.

Don't let the crazy slip...

My mouth doesn't let me talk sometimes. It restrains my words. I find no voice in myself to get my point across. My body betrays me. I stare blankly at my companion and say nothing.
In later moments, when I am reflecting over conversations, I realize that my opinion and input is valid. What I have to say is worthy for the most attentive audience. It is I who has stage fright.
There are many things I would have liked to have said. I care. With every ounce of my beating heart I care!
I want to be able to be candid. I want to express pure unfiltered emotion. Because that is what saturates my being. I don't know if it can be boiled down to such a rationale as that I am just being a woman. I think it goes beyond any gender stereotypes.
I am often alone. I have nothing but reflection of past moments to keep my mind occupied. There are some moments that I wish I can interject. I wish to say things that may be difficult for me to say. But they should have been said.
I am going on and on as if what I wanted to say was negative. I am just so afraid of asking questions and hearing answers I may not like. Or making things difficult by pushing things beyond their comfort level.
My quiet moments are far too many. So I apologize for the heaviness of this blog.

Cheers Darlin'

When does an idea become an out of control obsession?
It sneaks up on you. The focus in your life becomes askew.
Close your eyes.
Who is there?
The fabric of our lives is made up of one emotion.
Love
Even in extreme Hate we are loving.
For Hate is Love turned inside out.

I feel like I am lost in a jello mold. I am neither above nor below the surface. Normally I know exactly how I feel. I am either on the top of the world; or I am scratching away at the bottom of a black hole. Right now I am floating between emotions.

I hate uncertainty. I know I will wake up tomorrow and be uncertain. About everything.

I am my own worst enemy. Because the love I am speaking of is not the love you share with someone else. It is the love that must exist inside of yourself. I tend to question it all the time. And the uncertainty that I mentioned, that is the uncertainty of my own abilities. Some days I am able to think my way out of a bad situation. These situations start out as seeds of doubt in my own head. These seeds nourish themselves by my own insecurities. When they grow they weave themselves into moments of otherwise happy memories.

Laughing with my sister.

Sitting with my parents and talking.

Nights out with my friends.

Quiet times when Jimmy just looks at me and smiles.

All of these moments become tainted when I start to question the love I have for myself. But now I am faced with losing a matriarch in my family. My Nana. Other than the loss I will feel from losing her because she is my grandmother, I fear I am going to mourn more over love lost.

My Nana grew up in dire conditions. Her mother was cold and distant towards her. So was her father. The only man she ever 'knew' took even more of her spirit away. I was never close to her growing up. She was always hard on me. She always put me down about my weight. She was never happy to see me.

But through all of that I found a lost soul. I mourn for the potential. She could of lived epically. She could have loved enormously. But she didn't. She loved in vain. She criticized. She could never be pleased. She was always indifferent.

So why do I cry for her loss? Because I am afraid it will become my own loss. I am afraid I will lose the ability to love myself. What if I can't think my way out of another situation? I do not want to become calloused. I want love to flow through me freely. I want to filled to the brim with emotion. Whether they be good or bad. Because without the emotional connection to this life, indifference seem to be the only option. If that were to be so, then my understanding of my Nana's life will have become unimportant.

It's a new dawn...

Last night I had a strange dream.

I raided my mom's closet for something to wear. I was searching feverishly. I needed something, ANYTHING. This was quite a task because my mother is the tiniest little woman. I know you wouldn't think so looking at me. But my mother is like 5 foot and maybe an inch or two. She forgets to eat. REALLY. she forgets to eat for like 2 or 3 days at a time. I feel like I am leaving a lil puppy who can't fend for itself when I leave her. I know she will become stressed and not have the will to eat. Thank God for her Mochas. I believe that is the only thing with caloric value that keeps her lil heart a'beatin.

back to my strange dream....

She was throwing everything off the hangers in her closet and randomly tossing them onto the bed. I don't know what I was thinking, in reality there is NOTHING she owns that I would fit into. I picked dress after dress after dress. So a dress it is. Which is also something I never wear. I stretched the material over my bodice and they all fit. One right after another. I started hugging my curves. I would twirl about in front of the mirror. Every dress hugged me in the right places. I felt sultry and comfortable in my own skin. I kept searching for the right dress to match my mood. Getting frustrated with the endless selections of floral pansy summer dresses I threw them up in the air. There lost underneath the fluff of the former was my dress. A corsetted bodice, purple and black. I slide into the velvety material and goose bumps form on my smooth legs. My mother laces up the back and pulls it snug into my waist. I turn to look in the mirror and find someone else. Someone who looks nothing like me. Except for the smile, my smile remained.

I wake up shortly after.
In this dream I was also taking charge of a class of children and we were stuck in a museum. The mannequins all came to life and we were all enchanted by their charm. The children grew into adults. I remained young. We drank brandy, danced to jazz, and we felt good.

Today, Nina Simone is carrying on this feeling of nostalgia. Listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJA69C6SlRk&list=QL&playnext=9
(copy & paste)

Bubba Ho-Tep

I have never been let into someone's inner dialogue before. Especially an inner dialogue that resides in a member of the opposite sex. So it was all too special for me when my boyfriend asked me to watch his second favorite movie of all time.

How does one get used to being let in?

So there I was, watching the movie...
wrapped up in *his* arms.
(I know this sounds mildly gushy)
((read anyways))

The movie was not what I expected.
It was funny on the surface.
Crude in appropriate ways.
And unexpectedly deep.



This movie in three words... regret, perseverance, and courage. These are my words. His words were many. His words were insightful. His words were deeply felt. In his words I felt like I was able to know him so much more.

We can always explain our life away. We can give facts, details, brief histories. But nothing is as effective as sharing a moment. In these moments we find the meaning to someone's words. These words that were so one deminsional before have taken on new life.


(((Thank You Jimmy)))

Speechless

I had gotten home early last night. Anxious to get some reading in, I quickly changed into my pj's and hopped right into bed. I love reading a new book. I tend to cast myself as the protagonist in most books, but this one is a little hard to grasp. So I needed to delve into the world of Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews.
It was a two for one book that I had picked up at the local thrift store here in Catalina. It looked challenging, but a voice inside of me said, "Get it, read it, conquer it". Since I am always up for a challenge I shelled out the three bucks to rival this massive text.

Being a social media junkie I couldn't continue on my reading quest without at least checking my facebook.

scroll


scroll


comments, comments, comments...


scroll through one last time...

When I had become satisfied that I had thoroughly lurked my friends I opened a new tab. While reading I enjoy a great playlist. Since the day had not turned out exactly great I was feeling kinda melancholy. There is only one cure for my kind of melancholy. Damien Rice. Folks, if you don't know who Damien Rice is then you don't know the essence of me. His lyrics, melodies, and not to mention his oh-so-whimsical female counterpart Lisa Hannigan all come together to create an atmosphere of rich proportions.

After selecting my emo list for the night I hit play, plugged in my phone to charge, and foolishly left my facebook open. Signaling to anyone who might be on that I was indeed on. I wasn't of course. I put my laptop to the side so I could put a dent into my book.

The thing is, I have the worst luck with guys. I tend to shy away from any attention. I suspect most guys of making a joke out of me. These defense mechanisms have been set in place since I used to be harassed by boys on the playground. Being a big girl all my life I developed a lot faster than most girls. I was in my first bra by the time I was in first grade. I had no idea what the older boys meant when they would tease me. I always assumed it was about my weight. Looking back now I do realize that about half of those comments were alluding to the fact that they were seeing two new things on me that weren't on any of the other girls. I also realize that this was all just little kid cruelness. Nothing too serious. But still, the damage was done.

But I have grown up a lot since then. Hell, I have grown in leaps and bounds emotionally since I was 21. I was so insecure at 21. I pretended not to be. But I don't think I pulled that off with much success. I guess what I am getting at is that I have put all bullshit aside. I no longer suspect guys of the worst anymore. Guys my age are much more mature it seems.

With all this babbling I am trying to get to the point that, yes even though I am still shy, I am putting myself out there. More than ever before. I love experiencing new things. My heart is open to all my friends and even to guys. I am no longer interested in playing games. Seriously.

Okay so back to last night. I was about an hour into my reading. I am still kind of perplexed by this book but I WILL finish it. My playlist is playing over and over again. I start thinking that its bedtime. I am not one who can sleep in complete darkness and silence. My dreams reek havoc on my conscious otherwise. So I go back to my laptop to start adding more sleepy time music to my playlist.


What's this?

He imed me!

YAY! I have sent this guy a message like a day and a half ago and I was eager for his response. I thought maybe he overlooked my profile and wasn't interested. So I was needless to say on pins and needles.

Well, as I was about to say hi back it said he was offline. i immediately went to the inbox to send him a message. Thinking it was no big deal, that we would catch up with each other later. All I was thinking was at least he imed me. That's a good sign right?

Well the thing is he equaled my silence to me ignoring him. He posted a status saying so. I was perplexed as to why he may have drawn to this conclusion so fast. Surely he could understand that I was not paying attention to my computer. That the normal pop I would hear when someone imed me was disguised by my playlist.

I sent him a message, then another, then I commented on said status, THEN I twittered him (ugh, yes I have succumbed to the twitter madness)... but all was too late. He was obviously offline. I called my best friend Cindy right away. I just needed someone I could talk to. It made me sad to think that someone out there thought I would intentionally do something like that.

I woke up this morning and checked my facebook....nothing.

Yet.

I am hopeful still. I believe it was a misunderstanding and I hope that I will hear from him soon. If nothing else, just to clear this whole thing up. Although, I would still like to get to know him. He posts things that make me wonder what the hell he is talking about. I immediately google said items and my mind is once again expanded. I love that! I have always said that I am forever a student. I am eager to learn and open to anything.

So until next time, we all shall wait in suspense.

(okay maybe the last part is for someone who I hope reads this and realizes I am a genuine person. I don't want to put up a front. If I introduce myself it's because I want to get to know you. Please believe me. Or atleast get to know me before making any kind of assumptions that state otherwise. : ) )

Boys to Men

I have a fear of boys. Well men I guess. I am 26 yrs old so I am a little to old to worry about boys now.
But the thing is even though I am in my late 20's, I feel like I am still 16 inside. I never grew up. When I was in my teens I was so focused on other things. I didn't allow myself to enjoy that joyful adolescence. I was worried about money, bills, and my family. I worked a lot. I planned for my family's future. I was worried about buying my bro and sis school clothes. I felt like I didn't deserve to worry about anything else. Dating wasn't an option. How can I date? My brother and sister need a good role model. This is how most of my life was governed.
I do not blame my parents for this at all. This was all self inflicted responsibility. I was the quientisential goody two shoes. Don't get me wrong, I had crushes. And I crushed HARD. But I felt like an 80 yr old inside. I felt like it was such a juvenile thing to do, and I was no juvenile. My time had passed.
Now before I start to make myself cry, I will move on to the present day situation. I am a girl who clams up around a guy I really like. I don't speak. I am not myself. Why do I do these things? I have plenty of friends. All of them love me. I am a pretty lovable person. So why can't I just be myself around a guy I like? If he isn't attracted to me I can always gain a new friend, right?
I keep shooting myself in the foot and blaming the gun. I need to stay away from this mind set. Our thoughts are extremely powerful. So I should handle them with more care. I am trying to redirect myself when I recognize that I am falling into a negative cycle. How has been working for me?... GREAT! I have been floating between okay and laughing so hard I start to cry and get stomach cramps.
Until.... My friend's husband Jon calls... He has talked me up to some friend of his. I get that old familiar feeling in my stomach... BOYS? Not for you Jessica! You are too old, too fat, too ugly, too not his type. I start talking myself down right away.
Michelle, my beacon of light. Warrior of the Single Women's Revolution. She is a master of fine tuning an awkward situation and shedding light on common men vs. women misunderstandings. She is willing to jump into a shark infested ocean without the cage! My fearless leader wears her battle wounds like Boy Scout Patches. She collects them all and proudly displays them. She can disarm the most unexpected, and leave them wanting, no, YEARNING for the explanation. When she walks up to the table she emits a strong positive energy. We have alot in common. But we vary in a very crucial way. Cause when I walk up to a table I think of a million different reasons of why I shouldn't be there. She actively participates in the dating scene, and avoid it like the plague.
Why can't I take a chance on this guy? Well now you know. But I am trying hard to change and looking up to a fantastic woman like Michelle is making me STRONGER! She will find her happy ending, NO DOUBT! And I will be there, in her cheering section : )

Opinions.

I have recently discovered that I can be very opinionated. This comes as a shock to me. I rarely feel the need to express my opinion. Who am I to try and change your mind? But I realized that these social interactions are great ways to find different perspectives.

Why is this important? It's important because you realize that there are unlimited possibilities. Possibilities for everything! The sky is limitless. I feel as though my thoughts can transform something out of nothing.

What a great profit! I love my open mind. I love that I can understand opposing arguments. I am usually a fence sitter. But the view can be great from there. I have no desire to put someone else in their place. I also have no desire to expose all of my own reasonings. I know who I am. Thats good enough for me.

But don't confuse my lack of opinion lashing as having none to speak of.

My Goals for 2010

I have compiled a list of 15 goals which I will achieve by the end of 2010.


1. Lose 50 pounds

2. Get a job in the hotel business

3. Start a successful blog

4 Reach 100 subscribers on my youtube channel

5. Learn the Guitar

6. Finish my Associates Degree

7. Take Voice lessons

8. Fill the rest of my sketch book

9. Create three different t-shirt designs

10. Read all the books on my bookshelf

11. Learn my editing software inside and out

12. Visit three different states

13. Move out on my own

14. Keep my finger nails painted every single day

15. Give up soda for the rest of the year

...writer's block...

I felt like writing something today. I have many topics that I want to discuss. But for some damn reason I cannot bring any of them out to fruition. Even as I am typing now I am having a fucking writer's block. This is taking me forever to say dammit! Sure you are reading at a steady pace. But I cannot seem to put these sentences together properly with out deleting a bunch of crap. I guess Im going to try something. I am jjust going to continue to type without stopping. Let's see where this leads us shall we kids. I have no desire to impress you people. Yet I spend hours trying to impress myself. I imagine different scenarios with different people. Trying to prove that I can hang. I sometimes feel I can only hang with myself. Its too much of an effort explaining my thoughts to otehr people. I guss thats why this blog is a good outlet for me. Even though I know noone it reading it. Fuck you if you don't read my blog. See i can say that because the people who would get offended aren't even reading this. Unless I get snitched on. Then in that case fuck you too you snitch. Okay where did this random ass bullshit come from? Am I really going to post this. I guess so cause this is a bunch of effort for nothing. But I will say on thing. I have always wanted to be a mermaid. i had a dream once that I went swimming in the ocean. I felt my leg being pulled from underneath the bright waters. When I was dragged down to the bottom I was so shocked that I could still breath. This man was pulling me along the coral and the tropical fish. My toes were dragging in the sand and I could feel its softness. He told me that I was adopted and that my real family was under the sea! okay I am sorry for sharing that insensible nonsense. That was whack I know. But if only you could've been in my dream to experience it yourself. It was pretty amazing. So this is going to come to a close. I will blog like this when I have a writer's block. You dont have to read them. They are more for my personal enjoyment. Bye!

...today's dream...

So, last night i had a dream. Most of you know that I have insane dreams and I can usually remember them in full detail. Well this dream was kinda weird.

I was taking my mom to a spa to get pedis. I don't know why, we never do crap like that. Ever! So We are sitting and reading magazines. Waiting patiently to get serviced.

This man comes into the shop and shoots me twice in the chest. He rips open two other people's stomachs with bullets before he leaves. I was laying on the cold tiled floor looking up at my mom who is still reading the paper. I can feel the warm blood circulating my face as it flows freely from my body. I can hear the two other girls gurgling and choking for their last breath. I was confused as to why no one looked up. My own mother was disinterested and kinda annoyed. How could this be happening? Why wasn't anyone helping us?!?

Since I was the only semi-conscious one of the hurt I took it upon myself to drag myself up from the floor and try and get help. I was crying, balling. But my mom still didn't pull her eyes off the paper to notice. i could feel the blood dripping from my face. I tasted it's bitterness in my mouth. The sun was blinding my eyes. I held my hand up to cast some shade in my face. That's when my mom finally noticed me. She rolled her eyes and told me just lie down and stop trying to fight the inevitable. I could fill my lungs start quivering with the stress. I was refusing to just lay down and die. And for some reason I became painfully aware that it was annoying everyone around me.

That is when the voices started. I started listening in on everyone's thoughts. They were waiting for me to take my last breath. They were going to wrap all three of our bodies in plastic and weigh us down with bricks in a river. I struggled to my feet. The blood matted my hair to my face. The women were upset because of the blood specks on their clothes. Now I added fuel to their fire. They wanted me dead. Even my own mother.

I was able to reach for the door. I leaned on to its hot glass and pushed forward. Every step was another painful twinge in my chest. An elderly man was propped against a rail just outside. He was having a smoke break. Flicking his ashes, he noticed my presence with horror and disgust. He called the cops right away. But for some reason this did not give me comfort.
A chill went through my back when I heard the sirens wailing in the distance. I knew that they weren't coming to help me. The man was trying to comfort me, he could feel me pulling away and he urged against my escape. I used my body weight to push myself out of his arms. He called after me, but I just ran....Well as fast as my body could carry me.

Behind the concrete jungle of this town was a forest. I could smell the trees and the rain. The scent was soothing and inviting. I ran my fingers across the barks of the old trees. My blood was staining the leaves. All I was thinking about was, "If I am going to die, I want to leave my mark, on something beautiful." I eventually found a little nook under a tree. I laid myself down onto the brush and leaves and propped myself against the trees enormous roots. I was feeling safe, cool, and complacent. I hummed a tune, just to hear my own voice. if I could still hear my own voice then I knew I hadn't passed. It was the tune I have been singing since I was a child.

As evening fell, a maiden stood,
At the edge of a wood,
In her hands laid the reins,
Of a stallion,
and ne'er I seen a girl as fair,
Heard a gentler voice anywhere,
Whispered, "Alas..."
She belonged, belonged to another--
Another forever,
Yes she belonged to the
Twilight and Mist

I felt an ending to it all, this is when I opened my eyes.

do you ever read me?
notice me?
remember our times together?
you have been the story of my life.
and even now,
when i think i am over you,
i cry.



crashing is the worst feeling in the world.
i'm trying to brace for impact,
but i know it's still going to hurt.
i've been here before.
i still have the scars.
i just ignore them.
i'm just waiting for the time to go by.
i'm counting the minutes till i heal.
i'm looking forward to the hour when i become a stronger person.



in the future
i envision myself waking up in a very dark room.
not even being able to recognize my own hand in front of my face.
being lost, with no recollection of where i was,
who i was with,
and what i was doing.

...going to the matresses...

I'm creeping on my emotions right now.
Lurking in the dark.
I don't know how I feel.
I am just waiting for them to battle it out.
My emotions, that is.
...creep creep creep goes the lurker...
....thud thud thud goes my heart...
...i'm singing my soul's melody...
...and holding my breath for a new start...

...ugh...

Tasting you would be like burning my tongue with scalding water.
The sting will flow through my body.
The burn will last for days.
Nothing will taste right.
but for some reason, I feel like burning my tongue...

...today...

Today I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like this often. I stare at my computer screen and do nothing for hours on end. Now I actually don't even feel like doing that. There is nothing that this computer can offer me to really keep my attention, except for the fact that now I am dedicated to writing this blog right now. I told you guys that there may be periods of drought on my blog.

Another thing, I don't feel like talking about my weight anymore. Or food for that matter. Well, I will talk about food when I am hungry and I want something delicious. If this isn't the case then I will not dwell on it.

And lastly, I just wanted you guys to know that most of you are pretty fucking awesome. There are some douches I know...(I'm not going to name names) But most people I know personally are amazing in one way or another. I pick my friends very sloppily. I try to become besties with everyone. But just so everyone knows I have 3 main bitches(don't worry, this is a south park reference) I consider my besties for real. For everyone else, I love you whether you love me or not. Fuck... I'm easy....

I just ate two donuts...

I just ate two donuts, and a french bread pizza. I feel like shit. I am sad, mad, angry, and pissed off. At what, well thats more complicated. But I just wanted to start blogging my most vulnerable moments. So how do I feel after eating all those things. Empty. I wonder if there is still ice cream in the freezer....

...delicate...

I am in love with love. Have been since I was little. I fell in love with the idea of it all.
I always envisioned myself falling in love hard and having all kinds of plot twists and surprises.
Now that I have grown up I see that its all games that people play.
I don't want to play any games. I think that is why I have never been in a relationship.
I still love love, but I don't want to be anyone's fool. And if you are going to fall in love I think you are going to have to play the fool every once in awhile.
But then again if it is that gut wrenching love, you wouldn't really mind.
I hope I find someone that I won't mind playing the fool for.


ugh
I always get like this around 2 in the am. Nostalgic and pleading. Mourning the love that I have lost. Well I guess it wasn't mine in the first place. Or more like my love was never returned.
It was a fantasy that played out right before me. Everything I had envisioned as a little girl was coming to fruition. But in the end....i didn't get the guy.

Which is fine with me....now.
It took alot of Rachael Yamagata, Brandi Carlile, and Damien Rice to get me through it though.
He will never know how much he meant to me. I don't think I truly loved anyone before him. I mean I thought I had it bad for other guys, but man not like this. He consumed my every thought. I didn't have to adjust anything that us girls usually adjust to fit him in my life. He fit perfectly. But I didn't fit perfectly with him.

The fat kid in me always gets the blame. Me being me, I think I could make someone happy.
But the fat kid in me isn't too comfortable with the idea of allowing someone else in our bubble.


So I will put the memory of all our times together in a box labeled "The Past" and move forward. Even though I didn't get the guy in the end, I gained something better. I got the friend. Who is very dear to me. And if you are wondering, no, all those feelings that I had for him are completely gone. I still love him. But it's a different kind of love. It's the unconditional kind that you reserve for the family you get to choose. My friends.

Actually when I think back on the whole ordeal I don't even really think about him, if that makes any sense. I think about the "experience". I experienced all kinds of emotions! I mean a TON of emotions. And now that I am maturing I have come to respect experiences. They keep you company while you are waiting for the next one to roll around.


So goodnight, fellow love enthusiasts...
p.s. if you get a chance, listen to Delicate by Damien Rice, thats "our" song :)

Why'd you sing with me at all....

It's a scary thing not to know what your passion is.

I have ignored mine for a long time. Pretended that I had none to speak of. This is complete bogus. I have a big passion. Most of those close to me can't help but know what it is. Singing. It's a huge therapy for me. I have been singing ever since I could talk. In fact the day I was born the nurses were begging my mom to try and feed me or comfort me because I wouldn't shut up. That is true today more than ever. I am not shy, well actually it depends on who I am around. I love to sing everywhere. When I am at work I feel so comfortable that I am usually belting something all day long. I have a few key songs that i am usually singing. And here is my list:

1. Twilight and Mist
When I was 12 I watched a movie called Legends of the Fall I watched it with the intentions of getting closer to my dad. When I saw the cover I thought it was a western. My dad LOVES westerns. So I thought to myself I will watch it and he would be proud of me. It took me to an entirely different direction. I fell in love with love. I fell in love with the Ludlows. But most of all I fell in love with the song that Samuel (the youngest) sang with his fiance Susanna accompanying on piano


As evening fell, a maiden stood,
At the edge of a wood,
In her hands laid the reins,
Of a stallion,
and ne'er I seen a girl as fair,
Heard a gentler voice anywhere,
Whispered, "Alas..."
She belonged, belonged to another--
Another forever,
Yes she belonged to the
Twilight and Mist


I sing this song almost everyday for the past 14 years. Its my one true love..

2. Amazing Grace

I am sure this song holds many different meanings for many different people. For me it reminds me of my Great Grandma and my Grandma. My Grandma was a very influential person in my life. I love her so much. Our family is coming upon the 6th year of her passing and to alot of us it feels like it was yesterday. Well she used to always ask me to sing this song for her. And it always brought her to tears. Not because of my singing but because the song meant so much to her. And she means so much to me, I dream about her almost every night.

3. Folsom Prison

I grew up listening to old country music. In fact when i was little I wanted to be just like Dolly Parton. I wanted the cowgirl hat, boots, and dress, (not the boobs necessarily haha). So this song is an old classic that gets me going.

4. Bright Lights

I love Brandi Carlile. Not only does she have her beautiful ballads that can bring me to tears. but she has a deep appreciation for the old country like I do. I love her folk style music and this song isa perfect example of it. It would be a dream of mine just to tell her how much I love her music and what it means to me. but I am sure if that ever happened I would become tongue tied and not know what to say.

So there's my list. Every song has a story and they continue to shape my life. I would love to just travel from place to place being unknown and sing at different bars. Meet new people that have the same sentiments that i do about music. But that won't mind an argument over difference of ideas every know and then. But the connection would be the same. Music.

Hi.

Well hello there, ;)


I am a silly girl with fantastical dreams. And I have fantastically failed at achieving any of them. But The fight isn't over yet. That's one thing I know I am good at. I love a good fight. I strive on challenges and I get a kick out of waiting for the last possible minute to accomplish anything. So just so you know, there may be lapse in between the times that I write, and more than likely I will be fighting the same fight. Whew, I am glad we got that out of the way. I like it better when people know what to expect of me. It is a big weight off my shoulders, although weight in general is it's own chapter in my life. I wish I could take all the time I have spent talking about calories, fat grams, working out, and trying on clothes that I know aren't going to fit me and bottle it up. I would give all that wasted time to someone who could change the circumstances of other peoples' lives for the better. Then that time would be better well spent. But since that is impossible, I want to take the time I do have left on this earth and fulfill some of my dreams of helping other people. I want to make a drastic difference. In the past I have held myself back because of insecurities. I have this victim mentality, I believe all other people will see is my weight. And therefore wouldn't want my help. But I have opened up a lot in the past couple of years. And thanks to some of my perspectives being shifted and some words of encouragement from loved ones I now see the world slightly less askewed. I finally see that no matter what I will be judged. It's an automatic response. But I have also found that I have the power to change peoples' perceptions. So thats what I want to do this year. Change peoples' perceptions of me. I plan on being involved in many things. And I am EXPECTING a lot of my friends to support me as well as give of themselves. So stay tuned for some of my ideas. In the mean time I am going to get some homework done. :)