Week %: Up

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


I don't know what to tell all six of you who follow and may or may not read this. It's been one hell of a week. Fuck schedules. I obviously can't follow one. So is whenever I feel like it work out for yous guys? Majority party (me) votes... YES.

*settled*

I'm scared. If I was going to be really honest here, which is what I promised myself, I am completely scared. I don't know how to avoid it. So many things are just up in the air. I am patiently waiting to see where things may land.

I am very much a "Well whatever works for you, works for me" kinda girl. I don't mind adjusting for the things I want. I am flexible. But that means I get to live in a state of fear. I have no control. I've given that up.

I just know that I have worked awesomely hard for the things I want. And for so many things to be up in the air has CATASTROPHE written all over it.

Scenario A: Things land EXACTLY where I want them. Awesome sauce. I can deal with that. No sweat off my back. BUT I would like to state, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Well, not for me at least. These scenarios usually only exist for the last 30 minutes of cheesy romantic comedies.

Scenario B: I get one thing but not the other. Even though I am being vague about these "things" I will tell you I have about five things up in the air right now. TALK ABOUT HAVING TO BE PATIENT. ((ugh)) So, what if I only end up with one thing that I wanted? I am so afraid of latching on to that one thing that I will kill it myself. I've done that before. It was quite the heartbreak.

Scenario C: NOTHING WORKS OUT. I get nothing. THIS is a situation I've dealt with MANY times before. In fact, I am better equipped to deal with this then either of the other scenarios.

If Scenario C does in fact happen, I turn to my mother.

"Don't cry over spilled milk"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"

I have been able to get through life by the grace of her words. She is my home base. I am safe.

But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.

In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.

I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.

I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))

peace & blessings
XD

Our own pretty ways...

Well readers(mom), this is a sad day for your blogging host. A very sad one.

I was hanging with my friends Ra and Shall today. Ra had made these INCREDIBLE pork ribs. I mean *epic*. I scarfed down my portion PLUS half of another one. I couldn't hide my gluttonous tendencies.

In the mean time I was having totally casual back and forths with *him*. I was just so excited to hear from him. I know it doesn't change anything. We still aren't together. I am just holding on to something (or someone) that is so beautiful to me.

I colored Shall's hair. She has massive amounts of hair, so I was SO relieved when I saw that the finish product was pretty damn good. No patches of uncolored hair. Root to end was a beautiful deep brown color. We gabbed. Ra played Barely political videos. We discussed Las Vegas attractions we will be seeing over the summer.

Ra and Shall always have a way of making me feel....awesome. They support me 100%. BUT they also tell me when I am being a 'girl' about something. They keep my level headed.

In between videos I would frantically check my facebook (hoping & wishing) to see if he might have emailed me back. Bad form on my part, but I couldn't help myself.

He has this hold over me. It's been 34 days since we went our separate ways. I should be over it. I should lay this issue to rest. But he was my first boyfriend. Not saying that this is the reason why I am holding on. I just haven't had much practice in letting go just yet.

Maybe it's because I chose not to hate him. I notice a lot of people will get on or let go through hate. I am not judging or attacking anyone's tactics. Whatever gets you through. But how could I hate someone who inspires me? How could I hate someone who made me feel so at ease about myself? He encouraged me. He told me I was beautiful all the time. The biggest compliments he gave me was when we shared our drawings with each other. He said I had talent. And not in that "Oh wow, you have talent" way. He said it with conviction. He said it as passionately as if he was talking about his favorite actor (Bill Paxton) or favorite movie (Aliens).

These are memories that constantly replay in my head. Tiny moments in time that are probably going to outlast my sanity.

Well without getting into specifics, things did not end on a good note. Details just aren't important. Or at least they aren't the focus of my blog.

I want to crumble. I want to submit. I want to fold in. I want to do anything he wants me to do. At this point that might be to fuck off.

I don't know where this weakness is coming from. I don't know how to rebuild after this. My foundation is still in tact, thank God.

I am not a shell of a person. Like I said in my Week ! blog, I got bills, priorities, and goals. I have to keep on truckin because I'm not dead yet. I have a lot of life to live. I refuse to let this rejection stain the fabric of my life.

It just hurts so damn much. And tonight it brought me to tears. Major, unexplainable, uninhibited, child like tears.

It's not fair to me. It's not fair to him. He didn't ask for this attachment.

If he does read this, by some chance, I want him to know that I will get over it. I will persevere. I will rebuild what I've lost.