Week !

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )

I chose to ring in my New Years with just a few close friends and a couple games of Wii. Despite the fact that a 3 and 9 year old have better skills than I, I had a lot of fun. I didn't have to talk about my break up. I didn't have to dish out a bunch of empty promises at midnight. I just relaxed at my friend Ra's with a few vodka and cranberry drinks and some smack talk.
A week before I had imagined I would be in some crowded place, knowing few, drinking more than I should, and kissing my ginger at midnight. It would be a "mental picture"(The Office reference :) ) I could savor through out the rest of the year. But I've learned that things don't always happen the way you imagine.
Thus my new blogging journey begins. I have decided that for 2011 I want to write a weekly blog about what I learn. Little life lessons that some how seem to pop up over and over again. A reminder, if you will, that we shouldn't need to be hit in the head with a shit stick over and over again to realize that what we are doing is NOT working.
I don't plan on addressing details of our break up. I don't plan on playing the pity card either. What happened between us was private. And I want to respect that. What I will say about it is that I still love him and respect his wishes. He was not a bad person, an evil doer, he didn't disrespect me, and he wasn't a sleeze ball.
Instead of sulking and reverting to my hermit ways, bills required me to work. I woke up slightly hung over, slightly cranky, and very much tired last Sunday morning on my parent's couch. Loretta Lynn was blaring on the television. My dad's doing no doubt. I looked at my cell phone and tried to wish back the hands of time. But time nor coffee was on my side.
I trudged into the bathroom and tried to make sense of whatever was going on with my face and hair. I swear I aged 10 years over night. While washing my face I cried a bit into my palms. Something I had been doing the past 2 days. Little bursts of tears would come rushing. As quickly as the need to cry came on, it went away. Crying wasn't going to get me to work. So I compromised and cried on my way to work instead.
As soon as I pulled up to the house, my clients were up and happy to see me. I am greeted by hugs and praises of "Happy New Years" before I am able to get inside. I decide I had to put up a front of peace and just go with the flow of the day. I can't let down my clients. My personal affairs shouldn't affect work. Something my momma always taught me; she is a master of this. So I follow my routine. Pancakes, church, lunch, movies, dinner, cleaning.... home.
While driving home I allow myself to feel. My blanket of numb dissipates the further away from work I get. I listen to Loveline and I relate to all the other pathetic girls who call in. I don't want to be like them. I don't want anyone to be able to categorize me. But like a puzzle piece, I fit. My curves and edges hug my adjacent neighbors with precision.
The next few days I became engulfed by errands. I kept myself busy. Probably the biggest slap in the face is the fact that no one but myself was holding me back. This week was proof of that. And in here lies the lesson. I can only control my actions. I can't will, or want, or give someone into submission. My own hearts desires aren't a currency of free fancy. Just because I have something to give, doesn't mean that the receiver wants it. And I have to move on from that. I can't dwell on the actions of others. I've spent many years dwelling. It's not healthy. Dwelling causes one to become self-centered. I have been so self-centered lately. I feel like no one can relate to me. I want to climb inside a hole and punch the walls in. But LIFE is going on. If I like to participate I need to refrain from jumping in holes. AND I need to stop with this mind warfare. I am constantly putting down myself. If I don't believe in myself, why should anyone else?

peace & blessings
XD