Week $: Let Go

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


I shamefully neglected my blog this past week. I guess I didn't learn anything XD

Not true. I think last week's lesson was on giving up. I'm going to give up on making everyone else feel comfortable at my own expense. That being said. I have to retract something I said.

I so delicately stated: You are gay. I wish you would just come out to everyone already.

I was putting myself in this person's shoes. I realized that it is very crude to request someone to "come out". What business is it of mine? NONE. I felt foolish after posting it. That was the ONLY thing I regret posting. I don't want to edit the blog. That's not fair. I want this blog to accurately depict the writer. Those were my feelings. They were wrong. We all make mistakes. MOVING ON.

This week's lesson was AMAZING. I grew in LEAPS and BOUNDS. I learned to LET GO. Well, I did for one night. I stopped worrying about what everyone else was thinking. I decided I wasn't going to apologize for anything I didn't personally do myself. Most importantly, I learned for that one night to feel pretty fucking awesome about myself. Yeah, I don't think i looked my best. Yeah, I was aware that I was in a bar with girls 1/3 my size. Yeah, I was SOBER and having fun. Okay, that last one makes me sound like a lush.

I sometimes drink to give my mind a break. I will be present with my friends one minute. As soon as someone looks at me wierd I release the hounds. Yes, blood hounds live in my mind. They surface any negative thoughts I may have buried. They are good at their job. I am no longer present. I am in a much darker place. Alcohol allows sleeping dogs to lie.

This night I chucked that theory out the window. I had a good time because I decided to have a good time.

I met another fattie. She was beautiful. Confident. She didn't give a f*** what others thought of her. The shocker of it all was, she was 40!! Seriously, she looked 27-28 years old. SO FREAKING YOUNG.

I have a deep love for fat girls. We 'get' each other. It's awesome to meet someone else who is fat and doesn't let ish get to them. Fat girls who don't let their fatness hold them back, YOU are my HERO! I know my anti-fat friends are going to disagree with my views. It's okay. Not every single one of my friends have to agree with me. As long as we can agree to disagree : )

Well, that night was fun. I sang my heart out. I laughed HARD. I gained a bit of confidence back that I once had lost.

Go me.

peace & blessings
XD

Week @: Cajones

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


Wow, what a fail. I did not blog Friday like I wanted. BUT I was having a writer's block like no other. I tried writing in my journal. I tried playing different songs to draw some inspiration from. Nothing was achieved by either of these tactics. Forging ahead is my only option. Better late than never, some may say. (In my case the latter might be preffered)

Right now "Rolling in the Deep" is on repeat. My foot taps against the desk in rhythm. It's hard for me to NOT escape through the repetitions of the pounding drums. She sings of being scorned. I am clearly not a scorned woman. But I do envy the conviction of one. I lack the courage to say things that are really on my mind. Giving a voice to my thoughts and ideas some how devalues their meanings. They were way cooler when they were lingering in the back of my mind. SO I must make a choice. Either stand up for my own feelings, or play it safe and just get in mental arguments with those who piss me off. I can argue with the best of them, in my mind.

What can I learn from this? Well I don't know really. I don't think this is a lesson I am willing to learn yet. I need to grow a pair of cajones, I suppose. I am not deficient in opinions. I am not ignorant to the motives of those who think one flew over my cuckoo's nest. Believe me, we have argued for hours. It kinda feels like screaming in a pillow. No one can hear it, but you still get to release anger through vocal manifestation.

I know you ignore me until you decide you are bored.

Sometimes your negativity is just insurmountable, and I feel like telling you to get a grip.

You like to control EVERYTHING, including me. Those days are LONG gone.

You like to hop on bandwagons. When I seem to be the bell of the ball, here you come a-hoppin.

You talked so much crap about me, about my weight, and you want to try and be friends? Really, the only thing I have to say to you is Have a nice life : )

DON'T touch me!

You are self-centered (okay, this I tell you all the time. but you need to hear it over and over again.)

You are gay. I wish you would just come out to everyone already.

These are just some of the things I wish to say. But there is no use. In fact I feel like deleting everything I just wrote. But I won't. Kinda gives me some satisfaction. If any who are reading this thinks I am talking about them, I am probably not. These people I speak of don't really care as to what I have to say so it is doubtful they are reading this in the first place.

Lesson learned? Keep it positive. I am going to wake up tomorrow no matter what. ((Well that is only if it is not my time to perish)) So why sully my day away with negativity. I'm gonna take a crack at being productive.

peace & blessings
XD

Week !

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )

I chose to ring in my New Years with just a few close friends and a couple games of Wii. Despite the fact that a 3 and 9 year old have better skills than I, I had a lot of fun. I didn't have to talk about my break up. I didn't have to dish out a bunch of empty promises at midnight. I just relaxed at my friend Ra's with a few vodka and cranberry drinks and some smack talk.
A week before I had imagined I would be in some crowded place, knowing few, drinking more than I should, and kissing my ginger at midnight. It would be a "mental picture"(The Office reference :) ) I could savor through out the rest of the year. But I've learned that things don't always happen the way you imagine.
Thus my new blogging journey begins. I have decided that for 2011 I want to write a weekly blog about what I learn. Little life lessons that some how seem to pop up over and over again. A reminder, if you will, that we shouldn't need to be hit in the head with a shit stick over and over again to realize that what we are doing is NOT working.
I don't plan on addressing details of our break up. I don't plan on playing the pity card either. What happened between us was private. And I want to respect that. What I will say about it is that I still love him and respect his wishes. He was not a bad person, an evil doer, he didn't disrespect me, and he wasn't a sleeze ball.
Instead of sulking and reverting to my hermit ways, bills required me to work. I woke up slightly hung over, slightly cranky, and very much tired last Sunday morning on my parent's couch. Loretta Lynn was blaring on the television. My dad's doing no doubt. I looked at my cell phone and tried to wish back the hands of time. But time nor coffee was on my side.
I trudged into the bathroom and tried to make sense of whatever was going on with my face and hair. I swear I aged 10 years over night. While washing my face I cried a bit into my palms. Something I had been doing the past 2 days. Little bursts of tears would come rushing. As quickly as the need to cry came on, it went away. Crying wasn't going to get me to work. So I compromised and cried on my way to work instead.
As soon as I pulled up to the house, my clients were up and happy to see me. I am greeted by hugs and praises of "Happy New Years" before I am able to get inside. I decide I had to put up a front of peace and just go with the flow of the day. I can't let down my clients. My personal affairs shouldn't affect work. Something my momma always taught me; she is a master of this. So I follow my routine. Pancakes, church, lunch, movies, dinner, cleaning.... home.
While driving home I allow myself to feel. My blanket of numb dissipates the further away from work I get. I listen to Loveline and I relate to all the other pathetic girls who call in. I don't want to be like them. I don't want anyone to be able to categorize me. But like a puzzle piece, I fit. My curves and edges hug my adjacent neighbors with precision.
The next few days I became engulfed by errands. I kept myself busy. Probably the biggest slap in the face is the fact that no one but myself was holding me back. This week was proof of that. And in here lies the lesson. I can only control my actions. I can't will, or want, or give someone into submission. My own hearts desires aren't a currency of free fancy. Just because I have something to give, doesn't mean that the receiver wants it. And I have to move on from that. I can't dwell on the actions of others. I've spent many years dwelling. It's not healthy. Dwelling causes one to become self-centered. I have been so self-centered lately. I feel like no one can relate to me. I want to climb inside a hole and punch the walls in. But LIFE is going on. If I like to participate I need to refrain from jumping in holes. AND I need to stop with this mind warfare. I am constantly putting down myself. If I don't believe in myself, why should anyone else?

peace & blessings
XD