Boys to Men

I have a fear of boys. Well men I guess. I am 26 yrs old so I am a little to old to worry about boys now.
But the thing is even though I am in my late 20's, I feel like I am still 16 inside. I never grew up. When I was in my teens I was so focused on other things. I didn't allow myself to enjoy that joyful adolescence. I was worried about money, bills, and my family. I worked a lot. I planned for my family's future. I was worried about buying my bro and sis school clothes. I felt like I didn't deserve to worry about anything else. Dating wasn't an option. How can I date? My brother and sister need a good role model. This is how most of my life was governed.
I do not blame my parents for this at all. This was all self inflicted responsibility. I was the quientisential goody two shoes. Don't get me wrong, I had crushes. And I crushed HARD. But I felt like an 80 yr old inside. I felt like it was such a juvenile thing to do, and I was no juvenile. My time had passed.
Now before I start to make myself cry, I will move on to the present day situation. I am a girl who clams up around a guy I really like. I don't speak. I am not myself. Why do I do these things? I have plenty of friends. All of them love me. I am a pretty lovable person. So why can't I just be myself around a guy I like? If he isn't attracted to me I can always gain a new friend, right?
I keep shooting myself in the foot and blaming the gun. I need to stay away from this mind set. Our thoughts are extremely powerful. So I should handle them with more care. I am trying to redirect myself when I recognize that I am falling into a negative cycle. How has been working for me?... GREAT! I have been floating between okay and laughing so hard I start to cry and get stomach cramps.
Until.... My friend's husband Jon calls... He has talked me up to some friend of his. I get that old familiar feeling in my stomach... BOYS? Not for you Jessica! You are too old, too fat, too ugly, too not his type. I start talking myself down right away.
Michelle, my beacon of light. Warrior of the Single Women's Revolution. She is a master of fine tuning an awkward situation and shedding light on common men vs. women misunderstandings. She is willing to jump into a shark infested ocean without the cage! My fearless leader wears her battle wounds like Boy Scout Patches. She collects them all and proudly displays them. She can disarm the most unexpected, and leave them wanting, no, YEARNING for the explanation. When she walks up to the table she emits a strong positive energy. We have alot in common. But we vary in a very crucial way. Cause when I walk up to a table I think of a million different reasons of why I shouldn't be there. She actively participates in the dating scene, and avoid it like the plague.
Why can't I take a chance on this guy? Well now you know. But I am trying hard to change and looking up to a fantastic woman like Michelle is making me STRONGER! She will find her happy ending, NO DOUBT! And I will be there, in her cheering section : )