I feel your energy,
I know your thoughts.
You're as transparent as parchment.
You are waiting for the break.
The crack.
The stumble.

weak

I feel blindfolded, hopeful, and dumb.
I feel unsure, indecisive, and weak.
Blaming others would be stupid.
No one but myself is responsible for my feelings.
I can no longer sit and wait.
I have a life to live and I have goals to fulfill.

Don't let the crazy slip...

My mouth doesn't let me talk sometimes. It restrains my words. I find no voice in myself to get my point across. My body betrays me. I stare blankly at my companion and say nothing.
In later moments, when I am reflecting over conversations, I realize that my opinion and input is valid. What I have to say is worthy for the most attentive audience. It is I who has stage fright.
There are many things I would have liked to have said. I care. With every ounce of my beating heart I care!
I want to be able to be candid. I want to express pure unfiltered emotion. Because that is what saturates my being. I don't know if it can be boiled down to such a rationale as that I am just being a woman. I think it goes beyond any gender stereotypes.
I am often alone. I have nothing but reflection of past moments to keep my mind occupied. There are some moments that I wish I can interject. I wish to say things that may be difficult for me to say. But they should have been said.
I am going on and on as if what I wanted to say was negative. I am just so afraid of asking questions and hearing answers I may not like. Or making things difficult by pushing things beyond their comfort level.
My quiet moments are far too many. So I apologize for the heaviness of this blog.

Cheers Darlin'

When does an idea become an out of control obsession?
It sneaks up on you. The focus in your life becomes askew.
Close your eyes.
Who is there?
The fabric of our lives is made up of one emotion.
Love
Even in extreme Hate we are loving.
For Hate is Love turned inside out.

I feel like I am lost in a jello mold. I am neither above nor below the surface. Normally I know exactly how I feel. I am either on the top of the world; or I am scratching away at the bottom of a black hole. Right now I am floating between emotions.

I hate uncertainty. I know I will wake up tomorrow and be uncertain. About everything.

I am my own worst enemy. Because the love I am speaking of is not the love you share with someone else. It is the love that must exist inside of yourself. I tend to question it all the time. And the uncertainty that I mentioned, that is the uncertainty of my own abilities. Some days I am able to think my way out of a bad situation. These situations start out as seeds of doubt in my own head. These seeds nourish themselves by my own insecurities. When they grow they weave themselves into moments of otherwise happy memories.

Laughing with my sister.

Sitting with my parents and talking.

Nights out with my friends.

Quiet times when Jimmy just looks at me and smiles.

All of these moments become tainted when I start to question the love I have for myself. But now I am faced with losing a matriarch in my family. My Nana. Other than the loss I will feel from losing her because she is my grandmother, I fear I am going to mourn more over love lost.

My Nana grew up in dire conditions. Her mother was cold and distant towards her. So was her father. The only man she ever 'knew' took even more of her spirit away. I was never close to her growing up. She was always hard on me. She always put me down about my weight. She was never happy to see me.

But through all of that I found a lost soul. I mourn for the potential. She could of lived epically. She could have loved enormously. But she didn't. She loved in vain. She criticized. She could never be pleased. She was always indifferent.

So why do I cry for her loss? Because I am afraid it will become my own loss. I am afraid I will lose the ability to love myself. What if I can't think my way out of another situation? I do not want to become calloused. I want love to flow through me freely. I want to filled to the brim with emotion. Whether they be good or bad. Because without the emotional connection to this life, indifference seem to be the only option. If that were to be so, then my understanding of my Nana's life will have become unimportant.

It's a new dawn...

Last night I had a strange dream.

I raided my mom's closet for something to wear. I was searching feverishly. I needed something, ANYTHING. This was quite a task because my mother is the tiniest little woman. I know you wouldn't think so looking at me. But my mother is like 5 foot and maybe an inch or two. She forgets to eat. REALLY. she forgets to eat for like 2 or 3 days at a time. I feel like I am leaving a lil puppy who can't fend for itself when I leave her. I know she will become stressed and not have the will to eat. Thank God for her Mochas. I believe that is the only thing with caloric value that keeps her lil heart a'beatin.

back to my strange dream....

She was throwing everything off the hangers in her closet and randomly tossing them onto the bed. I don't know what I was thinking, in reality there is NOTHING she owns that I would fit into. I picked dress after dress after dress. So a dress it is. Which is also something I never wear. I stretched the material over my bodice and they all fit. One right after another. I started hugging my curves. I would twirl about in front of the mirror. Every dress hugged me in the right places. I felt sultry and comfortable in my own skin. I kept searching for the right dress to match my mood. Getting frustrated with the endless selections of floral pansy summer dresses I threw them up in the air. There lost underneath the fluff of the former was my dress. A corsetted bodice, purple and black. I slide into the velvety material and goose bumps form on my smooth legs. My mother laces up the back and pulls it snug into my waist. I turn to look in the mirror and find someone else. Someone who looks nothing like me. Except for the smile, my smile remained.

I wake up shortly after.
In this dream I was also taking charge of a class of children and we were stuck in a museum. The mannequins all came to life and we were all enchanted by their charm. The children grew into adults. I remained young. We drank brandy, danced to jazz, and we felt good.

Today, Nina Simone is carrying on this feeling of nostalgia. Listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJA69C6SlRk&list=QL&playnext=9
(copy & paste)

Bubba Ho-Tep

I have never been let into someone's inner dialogue before. Especially an inner dialogue that resides in a member of the opposite sex. So it was all too special for me when my boyfriend asked me to watch his second favorite movie of all time.

How does one get used to being let in?

So there I was, watching the movie...
wrapped up in *his* arms.
(I know this sounds mildly gushy)
((read anyways))

The movie was not what I expected.
It was funny on the surface.
Crude in appropriate ways.
And unexpectedly deep.



This movie in three words... regret, perseverance, and courage. These are my words. His words were many. His words were insightful. His words were deeply felt. In his words I felt like I was able to know him so much more.

We can always explain our life away. We can give facts, details, brief histories. But nothing is as effective as sharing a moment. In these moments we find the meaning to someone's words. These words that were so one deminsional before have taken on new life.


(((Thank You Jimmy)))

Speechless

I had gotten home early last night. Anxious to get some reading in, I quickly changed into my pj's and hopped right into bed. I love reading a new book. I tend to cast myself as the protagonist in most books, but this one is a little hard to grasp. So I needed to delve into the world of Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews.
It was a two for one book that I had picked up at the local thrift store here in Catalina. It looked challenging, but a voice inside of me said, "Get it, read it, conquer it". Since I am always up for a challenge I shelled out the three bucks to rival this massive text.

Being a social media junkie I couldn't continue on my reading quest without at least checking my facebook.

scroll


scroll


comments, comments, comments...


scroll through one last time...

When I had become satisfied that I had thoroughly lurked my friends I opened a new tab. While reading I enjoy a great playlist. Since the day had not turned out exactly great I was feeling kinda melancholy. There is only one cure for my kind of melancholy. Damien Rice. Folks, if you don't know who Damien Rice is then you don't know the essence of me. His lyrics, melodies, and not to mention his oh-so-whimsical female counterpart Lisa Hannigan all come together to create an atmosphere of rich proportions.

After selecting my emo list for the night I hit play, plugged in my phone to charge, and foolishly left my facebook open. Signaling to anyone who might be on that I was indeed on. I wasn't of course. I put my laptop to the side so I could put a dent into my book.

The thing is, I have the worst luck with guys. I tend to shy away from any attention. I suspect most guys of making a joke out of me. These defense mechanisms have been set in place since I used to be harassed by boys on the playground. Being a big girl all my life I developed a lot faster than most girls. I was in my first bra by the time I was in first grade. I had no idea what the older boys meant when they would tease me. I always assumed it was about my weight. Looking back now I do realize that about half of those comments were alluding to the fact that they were seeing two new things on me that weren't on any of the other girls. I also realize that this was all just little kid cruelness. Nothing too serious. But still, the damage was done.

But I have grown up a lot since then. Hell, I have grown in leaps and bounds emotionally since I was 21. I was so insecure at 21. I pretended not to be. But I don't think I pulled that off with much success. I guess what I am getting at is that I have put all bullshit aside. I no longer suspect guys of the worst anymore. Guys my age are much more mature it seems.

With all this babbling I am trying to get to the point that, yes even though I am still shy, I am putting myself out there. More than ever before. I love experiencing new things. My heart is open to all my friends and even to guys. I am no longer interested in playing games. Seriously.

Okay so back to last night. I was about an hour into my reading. I am still kind of perplexed by this book but I WILL finish it. My playlist is playing over and over again. I start thinking that its bedtime. I am not one who can sleep in complete darkness and silence. My dreams reek havoc on my conscious otherwise. So I go back to my laptop to start adding more sleepy time music to my playlist.


What's this?

He imed me!

YAY! I have sent this guy a message like a day and a half ago and I was eager for his response. I thought maybe he overlooked my profile and wasn't interested. So I was needless to say on pins and needles.

Well, as I was about to say hi back it said he was offline. i immediately went to the inbox to send him a message. Thinking it was no big deal, that we would catch up with each other later. All I was thinking was at least he imed me. That's a good sign right?

Well the thing is he equaled my silence to me ignoring him. He posted a status saying so. I was perplexed as to why he may have drawn to this conclusion so fast. Surely he could understand that I was not paying attention to my computer. That the normal pop I would hear when someone imed me was disguised by my playlist.

I sent him a message, then another, then I commented on said status, THEN I twittered him (ugh, yes I have succumbed to the twitter madness)... but all was too late. He was obviously offline. I called my best friend Cindy right away. I just needed someone I could talk to. It made me sad to think that someone out there thought I would intentionally do something like that.

I woke up this morning and checked my facebook....nothing.

Yet.

I am hopeful still. I believe it was a misunderstanding and I hope that I will hear from him soon. If nothing else, just to clear this whole thing up. Although, I would still like to get to know him. He posts things that make me wonder what the hell he is talking about. I immediately google said items and my mind is once again expanded. I love that! I have always said that I am forever a student. I am eager to learn and open to anything.

So until next time, we all shall wait in suspense.

(okay maybe the last part is for someone who I hope reads this and realizes I am a genuine person. I don't want to put up a front. If I introduce myself it's because I want to get to know you. Please believe me. Or atleast get to know me before making any kind of assumptions that state otherwise. : ) )