Speechless

I had gotten home early last night. Anxious to get some reading in, I quickly changed into my pj's and hopped right into bed. I love reading a new book. I tend to cast myself as the protagonist in most books, but this one is a little hard to grasp. So I needed to delve into the world of Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews.
It was a two for one book that I had picked up at the local thrift store here in Catalina. It looked challenging, but a voice inside of me said, "Get it, read it, conquer it". Since I am always up for a challenge I shelled out the three bucks to rival this massive text.

Being a social media junkie I couldn't continue on my reading quest without at least checking my facebook.

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comments, comments, comments...


scroll through one last time...

When I had become satisfied that I had thoroughly lurked my friends I opened a new tab. While reading I enjoy a great playlist. Since the day had not turned out exactly great I was feeling kinda melancholy. There is only one cure for my kind of melancholy. Damien Rice. Folks, if you don't know who Damien Rice is then you don't know the essence of me. His lyrics, melodies, and not to mention his oh-so-whimsical female counterpart Lisa Hannigan all come together to create an atmosphere of rich proportions.

After selecting my emo list for the night I hit play, plugged in my phone to charge, and foolishly left my facebook open. Signaling to anyone who might be on that I was indeed on. I wasn't of course. I put my laptop to the side so I could put a dent into my book.

The thing is, I have the worst luck with guys. I tend to shy away from any attention. I suspect most guys of making a joke out of me. These defense mechanisms have been set in place since I used to be harassed by boys on the playground. Being a big girl all my life I developed a lot faster than most girls. I was in my first bra by the time I was in first grade. I had no idea what the older boys meant when they would tease me. I always assumed it was about my weight. Looking back now I do realize that about half of those comments were alluding to the fact that they were seeing two new things on me that weren't on any of the other girls. I also realize that this was all just little kid cruelness. Nothing too serious. But still, the damage was done.

But I have grown up a lot since then. Hell, I have grown in leaps and bounds emotionally since I was 21. I was so insecure at 21. I pretended not to be. But I don't think I pulled that off with much success. I guess what I am getting at is that I have put all bullshit aside. I no longer suspect guys of the worst anymore. Guys my age are much more mature it seems.

With all this babbling I am trying to get to the point that, yes even though I am still shy, I am putting myself out there. More than ever before. I love experiencing new things. My heart is open to all my friends and even to guys. I am no longer interested in playing games. Seriously.

Okay so back to last night. I was about an hour into my reading. I am still kind of perplexed by this book but I WILL finish it. My playlist is playing over and over again. I start thinking that its bedtime. I am not one who can sleep in complete darkness and silence. My dreams reek havoc on my conscious otherwise. So I go back to my laptop to start adding more sleepy time music to my playlist.


What's this?

He imed me!

YAY! I have sent this guy a message like a day and a half ago and I was eager for his response. I thought maybe he overlooked my profile and wasn't interested. So I was needless to say on pins and needles.

Well, as I was about to say hi back it said he was offline. i immediately went to the inbox to send him a message. Thinking it was no big deal, that we would catch up with each other later. All I was thinking was at least he imed me. That's a good sign right?

Well the thing is he equaled my silence to me ignoring him. He posted a status saying so. I was perplexed as to why he may have drawn to this conclusion so fast. Surely he could understand that I was not paying attention to my computer. That the normal pop I would hear when someone imed me was disguised by my playlist.

I sent him a message, then another, then I commented on said status, THEN I twittered him (ugh, yes I have succumbed to the twitter madness)... but all was too late. He was obviously offline. I called my best friend Cindy right away. I just needed someone I could talk to. It made me sad to think that someone out there thought I would intentionally do something like that.

I woke up this morning and checked my facebook....nothing.

Yet.

I am hopeful still. I believe it was a misunderstanding and I hope that I will hear from him soon. If nothing else, just to clear this whole thing up. Although, I would still like to get to know him. He posts things that make me wonder what the hell he is talking about. I immediately google said items and my mind is once again expanded. I love that! I have always said that I am forever a student. I am eager to learn and open to anything.

So until next time, we all shall wait in suspense.

(okay maybe the last part is for someone who I hope reads this and realizes I am a genuine person. I don't want to put up a front. If I introduce myself it's because I want to get to know you. Please believe me. Or atleast get to know me before making any kind of assumptions that state otherwise. : ) )

Boys to Men

I have a fear of boys. Well men I guess. I am 26 yrs old so I am a little to old to worry about boys now.
But the thing is even though I am in my late 20's, I feel like I am still 16 inside. I never grew up. When I was in my teens I was so focused on other things. I didn't allow myself to enjoy that joyful adolescence. I was worried about money, bills, and my family. I worked a lot. I planned for my family's future. I was worried about buying my bro and sis school clothes. I felt like I didn't deserve to worry about anything else. Dating wasn't an option. How can I date? My brother and sister need a good role model. This is how most of my life was governed.
I do not blame my parents for this at all. This was all self inflicted responsibility. I was the quientisential goody two shoes. Don't get me wrong, I had crushes. And I crushed HARD. But I felt like an 80 yr old inside. I felt like it was such a juvenile thing to do, and I was no juvenile. My time had passed.
Now before I start to make myself cry, I will move on to the present day situation. I am a girl who clams up around a guy I really like. I don't speak. I am not myself. Why do I do these things? I have plenty of friends. All of them love me. I am a pretty lovable person. So why can't I just be myself around a guy I like? If he isn't attracted to me I can always gain a new friend, right?
I keep shooting myself in the foot and blaming the gun. I need to stay away from this mind set. Our thoughts are extremely powerful. So I should handle them with more care. I am trying to redirect myself when I recognize that I am falling into a negative cycle. How has been working for me?... GREAT! I have been floating between okay and laughing so hard I start to cry and get stomach cramps.
Until.... My friend's husband Jon calls... He has talked me up to some friend of his. I get that old familiar feeling in my stomach... BOYS? Not for you Jessica! You are too old, too fat, too ugly, too not his type. I start talking myself down right away.
Michelle, my beacon of light. Warrior of the Single Women's Revolution. She is a master of fine tuning an awkward situation and shedding light on common men vs. women misunderstandings. She is willing to jump into a shark infested ocean without the cage! My fearless leader wears her battle wounds like Boy Scout Patches. She collects them all and proudly displays them. She can disarm the most unexpected, and leave them wanting, no, YEARNING for the explanation. When she walks up to the table she emits a strong positive energy. We have alot in common. But we vary in a very crucial way. Cause when I walk up to a table I think of a million different reasons of why I shouldn't be there. She actively participates in the dating scene, and avoid it like the plague.
Why can't I take a chance on this guy? Well now you know. But I am trying hard to change and looking up to a fantastic woman like Michelle is making me STRONGER! She will find her happy ending, NO DOUBT! And I will be there, in her cheering section : )

Opinions.

I have recently discovered that I can be very opinionated. This comes as a shock to me. I rarely feel the need to express my opinion. Who am I to try and change your mind? But I realized that these social interactions are great ways to find different perspectives.

Why is this important? It's important because you realize that there are unlimited possibilities. Possibilities for everything! The sky is limitless. I feel as though my thoughts can transform something out of nothing.

What a great profit! I love my open mind. I love that I can understand opposing arguments. I am usually a fence sitter. But the view can be great from there. I have no desire to put someone else in their place. I also have no desire to expose all of my own reasonings. I know who I am. Thats good enough for me.

But don't confuse my lack of opinion lashing as having none to speak of.

My Goals for 2010

I have compiled a list of 15 goals which I will achieve by the end of 2010.


1. Lose 50 pounds

2. Get a job in the hotel business

3. Start a successful blog

4 Reach 100 subscribers on my youtube channel

5. Learn the Guitar

6. Finish my Associates Degree

7. Take Voice lessons

8. Fill the rest of my sketch book

9. Create three different t-shirt designs

10. Read all the books on my bookshelf

11. Learn my editing software inside and out

12. Visit three different states

13. Move out on my own

14. Keep my finger nails painted every single day

15. Give up soda for the rest of the year

...writer's block...

I felt like writing something today. I have many topics that I want to discuss. But for some damn reason I cannot bring any of them out to fruition. Even as I am typing now I am having a fucking writer's block. This is taking me forever to say dammit! Sure you are reading at a steady pace. But I cannot seem to put these sentences together properly with out deleting a bunch of crap. I guess Im going to try something. I am jjust going to continue to type without stopping. Let's see where this leads us shall we kids. I have no desire to impress you people. Yet I spend hours trying to impress myself. I imagine different scenarios with different people. Trying to prove that I can hang. I sometimes feel I can only hang with myself. Its too much of an effort explaining my thoughts to otehr people. I guss thats why this blog is a good outlet for me. Even though I know noone it reading it. Fuck you if you don't read my blog. See i can say that because the people who would get offended aren't even reading this. Unless I get snitched on. Then in that case fuck you too you snitch. Okay where did this random ass bullshit come from? Am I really going to post this. I guess so cause this is a bunch of effort for nothing. But I will say on thing. I have always wanted to be a mermaid. i had a dream once that I went swimming in the ocean. I felt my leg being pulled from underneath the bright waters. When I was dragged down to the bottom I was so shocked that I could still breath. This man was pulling me along the coral and the tropical fish. My toes were dragging in the sand and I could feel its softness. He told me that I was adopted and that my real family was under the sea! okay I am sorry for sharing that insensible nonsense. That was whack I know. But if only you could've been in my dream to experience it yourself. It was pretty amazing. So this is going to come to a close. I will blog like this when I have a writer's block. You dont have to read them. They are more for my personal enjoyment. Bye!

...today's dream...

So, last night i had a dream. Most of you know that I have insane dreams and I can usually remember them in full detail. Well this dream was kinda weird.

I was taking my mom to a spa to get pedis. I don't know why, we never do crap like that. Ever! So We are sitting and reading magazines. Waiting patiently to get serviced.

This man comes into the shop and shoots me twice in the chest. He rips open two other people's stomachs with bullets before he leaves. I was laying on the cold tiled floor looking up at my mom who is still reading the paper. I can feel the warm blood circulating my face as it flows freely from my body. I can hear the two other girls gurgling and choking for their last breath. I was confused as to why no one looked up. My own mother was disinterested and kinda annoyed. How could this be happening? Why wasn't anyone helping us?!?

Since I was the only semi-conscious one of the hurt I took it upon myself to drag myself up from the floor and try and get help. I was crying, balling. But my mom still didn't pull her eyes off the paper to notice. i could feel the blood dripping from my face. I tasted it's bitterness in my mouth. The sun was blinding my eyes. I held my hand up to cast some shade in my face. That's when my mom finally noticed me. She rolled her eyes and told me just lie down and stop trying to fight the inevitable. I could fill my lungs start quivering with the stress. I was refusing to just lay down and die. And for some reason I became painfully aware that it was annoying everyone around me.

That is when the voices started. I started listening in on everyone's thoughts. They were waiting for me to take my last breath. They were going to wrap all three of our bodies in plastic and weigh us down with bricks in a river. I struggled to my feet. The blood matted my hair to my face. The women were upset because of the blood specks on their clothes. Now I added fuel to their fire. They wanted me dead. Even my own mother.

I was able to reach for the door. I leaned on to its hot glass and pushed forward. Every step was another painful twinge in my chest. An elderly man was propped against a rail just outside. He was having a smoke break. Flicking his ashes, he noticed my presence with horror and disgust. He called the cops right away. But for some reason this did not give me comfort.
A chill went through my back when I heard the sirens wailing in the distance. I knew that they weren't coming to help me. The man was trying to comfort me, he could feel me pulling away and he urged against my escape. I used my body weight to push myself out of his arms. He called after me, but I just ran....Well as fast as my body could carry me.

Behind the concrete jungle of this town was a forest. I could smell the trees and the rain. The scent was soothing and inviting. I ran my fingers across the barks of the old trees. My blood was staining the leaves. All I was thinking about was, "If I am going to die, I want to leave my mark, on something beautiful." I eventually found a little nook under a tree. I laid myself down onto the brush and leaves and propped myself against the trees enormous roots. I was feeling safe, cool, and complacent. I hummed a tune, just to hear my own voice. if I could still hear my own voice then I knew I hadn't passed. It was the tune I have been singing since I was a child.

As evening fell, a maiden stood,
At the edge of a wood,
In her hands laid the reins,
Of a stallion,
and ne'er I seen a girl as fair,
Heard a gentler voice anywhere,
Whispered, "Alas..."
She belonged, belonged to another--
Another forever,
Yes she belonged to the
Twilight and Mist

I felt an ending to it all, this is when I opened my eyes.

do you ever read me?
notice me?
remember our times together?
you have been the story of my life.
and even now,
when i think i am over you,
i cry.



crashing is the worst feeling in the world.
i'm trying to brace for impact,
but i know it's still going to hurt.
i've been here before.
i still have the scars.
i just ignore them.
i'm just waiting for the time to go by.
i'm counting the minutes till i heal.
i'm looking forward to the hour when i become a stronger person.



in the future
i envision myself waking up in a very dark room.
not even being able to recognize my own hand in front of my face.
being lost, with no recollection of where i was,
who i was with,
and what i was doing.