Speechless

I had gotten home early last night. Anxious to get some reading in, I quickly changed into my pj's and hopped right into bed. I love reading a new book. I tend to cast myself as the protagonist in most books, but this one is a little hard to grasp. So I needed to delve into the world of Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews.
It was a two for one book that I had picked up at the local thrift store here in Catalina. It looked challenging, but a voice inside of me said, "Get it, read it, conquer it". Since I am always up for a challenge I shelled out the three bucks to rival this massive text.

Being a social media junkie I couldn't continue on my reading quest without at least checking my facebook.

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comments, comments, comments...


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When I had become satisfied that I had thoroughly lurked my friends I opened a new tab. While reading I enjoy a great playlist. Since the day had not turned out exactly great I was feeling kinda melancholy. There is only one cure for my kind of melancholy. Damien Rice. Folks, if you don't know who Damien Rice is then you don't know the essence of me. His lyrics, melodies, and not to mention his oh-so-whimsical female counterpart Lisa Hannigan all come together to create an atmosphere of rich proportions.

After selecting my emo list for the night I hit play, plugged in my phone to charge, and foolishly left my facebook open. Signaling to anyone who might be on that I was indeed on. I wasn't of course. I put my laptop to the side so I could put a dent into my book.

The thing is, I have the worst luck with guys. I tend to shy away from any attention. I suspect most guys of making a joke out of me. These defense mechanisms have been set in place since I used to be harassed by boys on the playground. Being a big girl all my life I developed a lot faster than most girls. I was in my first bra by the time I was in first grade. I had no idea what the older boys meant when they would tease me. I always assumed it was about my weight. Looking back now I do realize that about half of those comments were alluding to the fact that they were seeing two new things on me that weren't on any of the other girls. I also realize that this was all just little kid cruelness. Nothing too serious. But still, the damage was done.

But I have grown up a lot since then. Hell, I have grown in leaps and bounds emotionally since I was 21. I was so insecure at 21. I pretended not to be. But I don't think I pulled that off with much success. I guess what I am getting at is that I have put all bullshit aside. I no longer suspect guys of the worst anymore. Guys my age are much more mature it seems.

With all this babbling I am trying to get to the point that, yes even though I am still shy, I am putting myself out there. More than ever before. I love experiencing new things. My heart is open to all my friends and even to guys. I am no longer interested in playing games. Seriously.

Okay so back to last night. I was about an hour into my reading. I am still kind of perplexed by this book but I WILL finish it. My playlist is playing over and over again. I start thinking that its bedtime. I am not one who can sleep in complete darkness and silence. My dreams reek havoc on my conscious otherwise. So I go back to my laptop to start adding more sleepy time music to my playlist.


What's this?

He imed me!

YAY! I have sent this guy a message like a day and a half ago and I was eager for his response. I thought maybe he overlooked my profile and wasn't interested. So I was needless to say on pins and needles.

Well, as I was about to say hi back it said he was offline. i immediately went to the inbox to send him a message. Thinking it was no big deal, that we would catch up with each other later. All I was thinking was at least he imed me. That's a good sign right?

Well the thing is he equaled my silence to me ignoring him. He posted a status saying so. I was perplexed as to why he may have drawn to this conclusion so fast. Surely he could understand that I was not paying attention to my computer. That the normal pop I would hear when someone imed me was disguised by my playlist.

I sent him a message, then another, then I commented on said status, THEN I twittered him (ugh, yes I have succumbed to the twitter madness)... but all was too late. He was obviously offline. I called my best friend Cindy right away. I just needed someone I could talk to. It made me sad to think that someone out there thought I would intentionally do something like that.

I woke up this morning and checked my facebook....nothing.

Yet.

I am hopeful still. I believe it was a misunderstanding and I hope that I will hear from him soon. If nothing else, just to clear this whole thing up. Although, I would still like to get to know him. He posts things that make me wonder what the hell he is talking about. I immediately google said items and my mind is once again expanded. I love that! I have always said that I am forever a student. I am eager to learn and open to anything.

So until next time, we all shall wait in suspense.

(okay maybe the last part is for someone who I hope reads this and realizes I am a genuine person. I don't want to put up a front. If I introduce myself it's because I want to get to know you. Please believe me. Or atleast get to know me before making any kind of assumptions that state otherwise. : ) )

Boys to Men

I have a fear of boys. Well men I guess. I am 26 yrs old so I am a little to old to worry about boys now.
But the thing is even though I am in my late 20's, I feel like I am still 16 inside. I never grew up. When I was in my teens I was so focused on other things. I didn't allow myself to enjoy that joyful adolescence. I was worried about money, bills, and my family. I worked a lot. I planned for my family's future. I was worried about buying my bro and sis school clothes. I felt like I didn't deserve to worry about anything else. Dating wasn't an option. How can I date? My brother and sister need a good role model. This is how most of my life was governed.
I do not blame my parents for this at all. This was all self inflicted responsibility. I was the quientisential goody two shoes. Don't get me wrong, I had crushes. And I crushed HARD. But I felt like an 80 yr old inside. I felt like it was such a juvenile thing to do, and I was no juvenile. My time had passed.
Now before I start to make myself cry, I will move on to the present day situation. I am a girl who clams up around a guy I really like. I don't speak. I am not myself. Why do I do these things? I have plenty of friends. All of them love me. I am a pretty lovable person. So why can't I just be myself around a guy I like? If he isn't attracted to me I can always gain a new friend, right?
I keep shooting myself in the foot and blaming the gun. I need to stay away from this mind set. Our thoughts are extremely powerful. So I should handle them with more care. I am trying to redirect myself when I recognize that I am falling into a negative cycle. How has been working for me?... GREAT! I have been floating between okay and laughing so hard I start to cry and get stomach cramps.
Until.... My friend's husband Jon calls... He has talked me up to some friend of his. I get that old familiar feeling in my stomach... BOYS? Not for you Jessica! You are too old, too fat, too ugly, too not his type. I start talking myself down right away.
Michelle, my beacon of light. Warrior of the Single Women's Revolution. She is a master of fine tuning an awkward situation and shedding light on common men vs. women misunderstandings. She is willing to jump into a shark infested ocean without the cage! My fearless leader wears her battle wounds like Boy Scout Patches. She collects them all and proudly displays them. She can disarm the most unexpected, and leave them wanting, no, YEARNING for the explanation. When she walks up to the table she emits a strong positive energy. We have alot in common. But we vary in a very crucial way. Cause when I walk up to a table I think of a million different reasons of why I shouldn't be there. She actively participates in the dating scene, and avoid it like the plague.
Why can't I take a chance on this guy? Well now you know. But I am trying hard to change and looking up to a fantastic woman like Michelle is making me STRONGER! She will find her happy ending, NO DOUBT! And I will be there, in her cheering section : )

Opinions.

I have recently discovered that I can be very opinionated. This comes as a shock to me. I rarely feel the need to express my opinion. Who am I to try and change your mind? But I realized that these social interactions are great ways to find different perspectives.

Why is this important? It's important because you realize that there are unlimited possibilities. Possibilities for everything! The sky is limitless. I feel as though my thoughts can transform something out of nothing.

What a great profit! I love my open mind. I love that I can understand opposing arguments. I am usually a fence sitter. But the view can be great from there. I have no desire to put someone else in their place. I also have no desire to expose all of my own reasonings. I know who I am. Thats good enough for me.

But don't confuse my lack of opinion lashing as having none to speak of.