Will you marry me, Mary?

Press play.



I am not going to feel bad for putting myself out there. I am not going to feel bad about being rejected. I am going to get up after I fall. In fact, I am standing now. I am a pillar of strength. I am capable of so much. I have more than enough love to give. My heart is full to the brim with it. And it replenishes daily. It feels good to be this strong.
(Some thoughts that have been on my mind for the past week)

The semester is almost over and I am excited! I get to apply for the nursing program soon enough. I have applied for 12 different positions. If I hear nothing by December I am going to get into some part time retail work(D:). I would love to send my little cousins over in New Mexico a care package for Christmas.

I have been reading a lot lately. Science fiction novels have never been my preference but I am really enjoying Foundation. I went to the Planetarium on Thursday. We stood there in the cold listening to this instructor talk about the planets and the elements for two and a half hours. I got to see Jupiter through the telescope. It was an incredible experience. I close my eyes and picture myself on that planet. It's a tranquil thought. It's also an unsettling one. Think I might take an astronomy class next semester to finally finish my Associates degree.

I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I suggested starting a new tradition on Thanksgiving. Usually, we just eat and watch the Dallas game. Which is just as great but I am trying to think of a game for all of us to play. Just a thought.

Isn't this Mary girl great? Yesterday I was so inspired I started to write. Maybe I'll post it here. I need to re-work it. Over and over again.

"Your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood. It is wisdom. You are a goddamned tree stump with leaves sprouting up. Reborn."

Sunshine

Hit play.


Sometimes I wish I could crawl out of the deepest holes in my mind. I get caught running in circles at the bottom of a pit. I scratch at the walls trying to find hope. Trying to find some peace. Maybe if I just see a glimmer of light I can think my way out of it.

Today, I am sad. I am sad that I almost lost a friend last night. I am sad that I always seem to make a mistake. I am sad that I am allowing myself to feel this way. Maybe it's just the sun's unrelenting ability to shine that gets me through most days. So much power and energy. So much pure light. It is so beautiful. I am not even a blip on the map of human existence yet my own fate matters so much to me. I need to know I will be okay and I will do right with the tiny moment I am blessed with to bask in the sun.

Things I want in life include:
Happiness
To love and be loved in return
The ability to make a positive difference in the lives around me
A chance

To let go...

Tunes

Your ignorance is almost more than I can take.
You don't even give me the time of the day
What more can I do to make you want to stay
Seems like the more I do, just pushes you away
Please give me, something from your heart
Please give me something to believe in when you travel far in your mind.

Thank You

Thank You for always ignoring me.
Thank You for never telling me the truth about who you are.
Thank You for giving me less respect than an acquaintance.
Thank You for making this all easier to walk away from.
I may not be the girl you wanted, but I'm the girl you got.
Thank You for making me doubt the person I am.
"Bitch cut me deep"
Those were your words, NOT mine.
You never really DID anything to me.
But you never DID anything with me.

It weighs heavy on my mind... (work in progress)

I was sitting in my car for a while. I hadn't really noticed how much time passed until I looked at my phone. I had been sitting there with my eyes closed and my seat reclined for a good ten minutes. The buckle of my seat belt had been laying on my hand since I unclasped it. The hot metal left my skin red, yet I didn't feel the transfer of heat. The air in the car had become thick and sweaty since I left all the windows up. Even being shaded by the apartment awning was no protection from the heat of an Arizona summer.

I stared right passed the heavily smudged sliding glass door of our weird apartment neighbor into his living room. He was sitting on his couch staring up at a tiny television that was stacked up high on a bookshelf and eating a bowl of cereal. I caught his eye and he gave me a wave. Not realizing what was going on I continued to stare. I was lost in thought. I was wondering if he was ever in love. If so, with who? What kind of woman would fall for this weird guy. He was rail thin, balding, and all of his teeth were gray. He was full of good intentions though. He came by my apartment one time looking for my roommate. He heard from the neighbors that she cut hair and was looking for an exchange. He sat in our living room and talked about his recent doctor visit. He told us about a new diet the doctor put him on. And he insisted that he bring us all his canned goods because he no longer could consume sodium. We politely declined, but 10 minutes after his haircut he was knocking on our door. He also included a copy of his diet. I guess he was politely trying to suggest it to us.

In the middle of reliving that moment my eyes came back to focus and saw that he wasn't waving anymore. He had gotten up to open the sliding door. I knew I would be stuck in conversation for a good ten minutes if I didn't hurry. It's not that I don't like him. I just don't care. I just finished a four hour shift of "Hi, how ya doing?", "Do you by chance qualify?", "Can I do anything else for you?". My give a damn was busted.

I clamored together the best I could and with a quick wave and a smile I successfully dodged the old lonely man who could ACTUALLY use someone to talk to.

As I closed my front door the guilt settled right on in. I threw my keys on the kitchen counter and opened the refridgerator door. I wasn't hungry, but my mind was. I busted out some pb & j's and plopped on my bed. I ate, facebook'd, and youtube'd for a bit. My eyelids were getting heavier and I could feel the nerves in my feet pulsate every few minutes.

I laid back down and stared at the ceiling. This was a long day. After awhile I just started crying. I messed up. It's all I can think about anymore. On this particular day it was my gateway memory. It started the recession of memories of other failed attempts of human connections.

Week %: Up

(Disclaimer: I may talk about you. I may talk about a conversation we had. Don't take it personal. (hehe I'll even admit, thats a load of B.S.) Of course you can take it personally. Just talk to me about it and don't be a passive aggressive asshole kthanksbye :) )


I don't know what to tell all six of you who follow and may or may not read this. It's been one hell of a week. Fuck schedules. I obviously can't follow one. So is whenever I feel like it work out for yous guys? Majority party (me) votes... YES.

*settled*

I'm scared. If I was going to be really honest here, which is what I promised myself, I am completely scared. I don't know how to avoid it. So many things are just up in the air. I am patiently waiting to see where things may land.

I am very much a "Well whatever works for you, works for me" kinda girl. I don't mind adjusting for the things I want. I am flexible. But that means I get to live in a state of fear. I have no control. I've given that up.

I just know that I have worked awesomely hard for the things I want. And for so many things to be up in the air has CATASTROPHE written all over it.

Scenario A: Things land EXACTLY where I want them. Awesome sauce. I can deal with that. No sweat off my back. BUT I would like to state, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Well, not for me at least. These scenarios usually only exist for the last 30 minutes of cheesy romantic comedies.

Scenario B: I get one thing but not the other. Even though I am being vague about these "things" I will tell you I have about five things up in the air right now. TALK ABOUT HAVING TO BE PATIENT. ((ugh)) So, what if I only end up with one thing that I wanted? I am so afraid of latching on to that one thing that I will kill it myself. I've done that before. It was quite the heartbreak.

Scenario C: NOTHING WORKS OUT. I get nothing. THIS is a situation I've dealt with MANY times before. In fact, I am better equipped to deal with this then either of the other scenarios.

If Scenario C does in fact happen, I turn to my mother.

"Don't cry over spilled milk"
"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"
"Let go of it"
"You are at the bottom, now rise to the top"
"The worst has happened, you don't have to be scared anymore"
"Think positive"

I have been able to get through life by the grace of her words. She is my home base. I am safe.

But just to let it be known: I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT. For me that is pure selfishness.

In fact that makes me want to delete this whole damn blog. There is FAR more evil happening AROUND me than what is going on in my own life. Am I self-centered? I struggle with this all the time.

I focus on others, so that I don't have to focus on myself. I don't want to be so self-absorbed that I end up alienating people. Besides, my life isn't even a BLIP on the map of human existence. When I am gone, these problems are gone.

I may be bi-polar :/ ((hehe))

peace & blessings
XD