...delicate...

I am in love with love. Have been since I was little. I fell in love with the idea of it all.
I always envisioned myself falling in love hard and having all kinds of plot twists and surprises.
Now that I have grown up I see that its all games that people play.
I don't want to play any games. I think that is why I have never been in a relationship.
I still love love, but I don't want to be anyone's fool. And if you are going to fall in love I think you are going to have to play the fool every once in awhile.
But then again if it is that gut wrenching love, you wouldn't really mind.
I hope I find someone that I won't mind playing the fool for.


ugh
I always get like this around 2 in the am. Nostalgic and pleading. Mourning the love that I have lost. Well I guess it wasn't mine in the first place. Or more like my love was never returned.
It was a fantasy that played out right before me. Everything I had envisioned as a little girl was coming to fruition. But in the end....i didn't get the guy.

Which is fine with me....now.
It took alot of Rachael Yamagata, Brandi Carlile, and Damien Rice to get me through it though.
He will never know how much he meant to me. I don't think I truly loved anyone before him. I mean I thought I had it bad for other guys, but man not like this. He consumed my every thought. I didn't have to adjust anything that us girls usually adjust to fit him in my life. He fit perfectly. But I didn't fit perfectly with him.

The fat kid in me always gets the blame. Me being me, I think I could make someone happy.
But the fat kid in me isn't too comfortable with the idea of allowing someone else in our bubble.


So I will put the memory of all our times together in a box labeled "The Past" and move forward. Even though I didn't get the guy in the end, I gained something better. I got the friend. Who is very dear to me. And if you are wondering, no, all those feelings that I had for him are completely gone. I still love him. But it's a different kind of love. It's the unconditional kind that you reserve for the family you get to choose. My friends.

Actually when I think back on the whole ordeal I don't even really think about him, if that makes any sense. I think about the "experience". I experienced all kinds of emotions! I mean a TON of emotions. And now that I am maturing I have come to respect experiences. They keep you company while you are waiting for the next one to roll around.


So goodnight, fellow love enthusiasts...
p.s. if you get a chance, listen to Delicate by Damien Rice, thats "our" song :)

Why'd you sing with me at all....

It's a scary thing not to know what your passion is.

I have ignored mine for a long time. Pretended that I had none to speak of. This is complete bogus. I have a big passion. Most of those close to me can't help but know what it is. Singing. It's a huge therapy for me. I have been singing ever since I could talk. In fact the day I was born the nurses were begging my mom to try and feed me or comfort me because I wouldn't shut up. That is true today more than ever. I am not shy, well actually it depends on who I am around. I love to sing everywhere. When I am at work I feel so comfortable that I am usually belting something all day long. I have a few key songs that i am usually singing. And here is my list:

1. Twilight and Mist
When I was 12 I watched a movie called Legends of the Fall I watched it with the intentions of getting closer to my dad. When I saw the cover I thought it was a western. My dad LOVES westerns. So I thought to myself I will watch it and he would be proud of me. It took me to an entirely different direction. I fell in love with love. I fell in love with the Ludlows. But most of all I fell in love with the song that Samuel (the youngest) sang with his fiance Susanna accompanying on piano


As evening fell, a maiden stood,
At the edge of a wood,
In her hands laid the reins,
Of a stallion,
and ne'er I seen a girl as fair,
Heard a gentler voice anywhere,
Whispered, "Alas..."
She belonged, belonged to another--
Another forever,
Yes she belonged to the
Twilight and Mist


I sing this song almost everyday for the past 14 years. Its my one true love..

2. Amazing Grace

I am sure this song holds many different meanings for many different people. For me it reminds me of my Great Grandma and my Grandma. My Grandma was a very influential person in my life. I love her so much. Our family is coming upon the 6th year of her passing and to alot of us it feels like it was yesterday. Well she used to always ask me to sing this song for her. And it always brought her to tears. Not because of my singing but because the song meant so much to her. And she means so much to me, I dream about her almost every night.

3. Folsom Prison

I grew up listening to old country music. In fact when i was little I wanted to be just like Dolly Parton. I wanted the cowgirl hat, boots, and dress, (not the boobs necessarily haha). So this song is an old classic that gets me going.

4. Bright Lights

I love Brandi Carlile. Not only does she have her beautiful ballads that can bring me to tears. but she has a deep appreciation for the old country like I do. I love her folk style music and this song isa perfect example of it. It would be a dream of mine just to tell her how much I love her music and what it means to me. but I am sure if that ever happened I would become tongue tied and not know what to say.

So there's my list. Every song has a story and they continue to shape my life. I would love to just travel from place to place being unknown and sing at different bars. Meet new people that have the same sentiments that i do about music. But that won't mind an argument over difference of ideas every know and then. But the connection would be the same. Music.

Hi.

Well hello there, ;)


I am a silly girl with fantastical dreams. And I have fantastically failed at achieving any of them. But The fight isn't over yet. That's one thing I know I am good at. I love a good fight. I strive on challenges and I get a kick out of waiting for the last possible minute to accomplish anything. So just so you know, there may be lapse in between the times that I write, and more than likely I will be fighting the same fight. Whew, I am glad we got that out of the way. I like it better when people know what to expect of me. It is a big weight off my shoulders, although weight in general is it's own chapter in my life. I wish I could take all the time I have spent talking about calories, fat grams, working out, and trying on clothes that I know aren't going to fit me and bottle it up. I would give all that wasted time to someone who could change the circumstances of other peoples' lives for the better. Then that time would be better well spent. But since that is impossible, I want to take the time I do have left on this earth and fulfill some of my dreams of helping other people. I want to make a drastic difference. In the past I have held myself back because of insecurities. I have this victim mentality, I believe all other people will see is my weight. And therefore wouldn't want my help. But I have opened up a lot in the past couple of years. And thanks to some of my perspectives being shifted and some words of encouragement from loved ones I now see the world slightly less askewed. I finally see that no matter what I will be judged. It's an automatic response. But I have also found that I have the power to change peoples' perceptions. So thats what I want to do this year. Change peoples' perceptions of me. I plan on being involved in many things. And I am EXPECTING a lot of my friends to support me as well as give of themselves. So stay tuned for some of my ideas. In the mean time I am going to get some homework done. :)